Great insight Sandi2... What consequences do they need to see/experience for them to wake up per say?
Hi, I saw your message on another thread.
To answer your question, first let me explain something else. I believe there are two sets of women, so to speak, that often require a difference in the approach. The woman who leaves the M b/c her H was abusive or was involved in something she could not tolerate in her life, and she has to leave him in order to survive. IMHO, this woman is the walk away wife. The DR book gives excellent advice in how to deal with a WAW. There is another type of woman who is a different animal from the woman who basically runs from her H, to survive. This woman is wayward. MWD does not separate the WAW and WW in her books. After years of reading and observing these two distinct types, I began using the term WW in my posts. If you read my previous post, where I gave a short description, it will help save space and time here.
As long as a WW benefits from both sides in her life (the marriage and family activities on one side......and the GGW lifestyle and OM on the other), the chances of her turning away from her waywardness are very slim. However, when she begins losing the benefits of being M to you, and loses having family activities.......due to her wayward lifestyle, those are consequences she has to face. When she can't finance a swanky new apartment, or buy the pretty clothes she wants b/c every penny goes to supporting herself.......those are consequences from her bad choices. Life is going to have consequences when you make stupid choices.
The WW is filled with a fantasy that she created. It takes learning a few things from the school of hard knocks, before some WW's begin to get the picture that it stems from their crazy, stupid, wayward choices. For others, they might wise up sooner, depending on the tough love the H has. I think it takes them losing "something" that really matters to them, before seeing effective results. The H cannot control his WW, but he can control what he does, and he does not have to roll over and play dead while she wipes her feet on him.
When a man has a wife who is wayward, he needs to get in touch with his values, standards, spiritual beliefs, and integrity. If he doesn't, he will be lost as to what he should do. He needs to know where he stands as a man, and know what he will tolerate and not tolerate in his life. With a WW, he will need to set boundaries. Not for her, but to protect himself from her disrespectful behavior toward him. No boundaries should ever include any acts of violence (just want to make that clear). If she does not honor/respect your personal boundary, then you are the one who responds with some type action to protect yourself. You cannot make her do anything.
An example of a boundary would be: I will not tolerate being cursed, screamed at, or other bad behavior during a phone conversation.
Consequences of disrespecting your boundary: I will disconnect the call without further notice and will not respond if my W tries to call back.
You are not telling her what to do. You are protecting your feelings from her disrespectful behavior. The consequences, should she choose to ignore your boundary, is to hear the disconnected call, and you not responding when she radials or texts you.
Make sense? There is a link about boundaries on the page Cadet sent you.
It's not your job to parent your W. It's not your job to punish her. Your job is to protect yourself, your kids, and your property. Just as we have property boundaries and would sit by while others destroyed it, you have to do the same for your self respect. You can learn how to stand by your boundaries, and enforce them with effective consequences.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
