What should I be doing now? (Filing for D soon)

[Coconut]

Admittedly, it is partly my instinct and I don't know either of you IRL. ... Maybe you both could benefits from some changes too? What would she say about you?

this is a hard one to answer, I, like everyone one else that has experienced BD got a laundry list of everything we do or ever did that made them unhappy. My assessment is that I’m a nice guy, I did things for her expecting to get rewarded for them (not knowing I was doing that), eventually I checked out. I never addressed my feelings with her (had no idea or understanding of what was going on with me back then), I started looking for reasons that I felt the way I did and finally settled on the fact that she was so involved with son that I would just have to wait until he moved out to get my W back.

I was miserable in my M, had some major changes at work that added to my stress and eventually became depressed and did NOTHING on a day to day basis. My life basically consisted of going to work where I was miserable, coming home making a drink and relaxing (which meant watch TV), add more drinks and more TV and then go to bed. I would participate in occasional family gatherings, and was only happy when on vacation away from work. Meanwhile, she was participating in activities (karate, going out with girlfriends, etc.)

So I’m not sure what things from the laundry list, or just my general inactive lifestyle back then, she would list. But most of those things have changed, I’m very active, involved with friends, and stopped drinking (other than occasional social outings).

I get this sense that you and I have some similarities. I know that there were some things about me that kept my H away for so long and it was not just the pull of OW. I am not saying that she is going to come back and ask to R if you make these changes, and I am not seeing that you are waiting for that, but I do wonder what she would say.

What types of changes are you thinking? See list of my changes above. One thing that I know needs to be worked on is my communication skills, I am very to the point and can get very impatient when people tell me the long story when it can be shortened.

I don’t think my W ever had a chance of coming back to me. We went immediately into piecing while she was still volunteering at FD with OM, and after about two months I found out she was still communicating with OM and told her I was done with M, sold house and moved out. After I found out about continued communication, I got angry and lashed out (you know all of this), and there was no way that she was going to come back to me as angry as I was and lashing out all the time. Right after I lost the anger and stopped lashing out, I moved and haven’t had a single R talk since.

Could she think you would punish her for her mistakes for the rest of her life?

I think overall I did pretty well during out “piecing” 2 month phase, but then she was so focused on her phone (FB, texting people other than OM), that I’m not sure she even remembers how awesome I was.. To be honest, after about 2 weeks of fake piecing, she would comment that I would never be able to get past the A and stop asking questions or have triggers.. that would make me so pissed, she was an emotional black hole and she wanted me to just forget it all and not let it affect me. As for now, I don’t have a clue what she thinks about me, or my ability to do anything. I can’t tell you enough how dark we have both been since around December / January.

Does she think you will never forgive her and love her as you used to?

My guess would be yes, and I am guessing that because of my anger phase. I showed her a lot of hate, not sure she could believe that I could go from such hate back to love… But who knows, cause I did go from so Loving to hate which I guess she would of never imagined.

Does she feel suffocated in the M (or simply at this time in her life) and need more freedom?

No, I was very supportive of her life during M, I never held her back from doing anything (the whole nice guy thing)… I have no idea if she feels suffocated by someone/something now.

Does she find you to be impatient or controlling?

Impatient, yes (she’s always late so plenty of opportunity to see me impatient).. controlling, no, not at all.

I don't know her side and I never will. I just see ambivalence from both of you and short time frame.

I don’t’ know her side either.. most of what she spoke post BD was crap, like trying to convince my family that he was a friend first and that’s why she is still friends (they only knew each other for 2 months at BD). As for why the A in the first place, I had checked out of M and she was longing for attention.