Finding my way in the dark - Part 2

[Holding]

Thanks, doodler! The faux pas made me chuckle - how appropriate it came from you!

I met with my IC yesterday, and she made me feel good about how I've been handling things with the kids. She reiterated what I've heard from everyone else: I need to do what's best for myself and my kids at this point; the bond I used to share with my wife is gone.

We discussed possibly bringing my boys in to meet and talk with my IC. S14 has seen her previously for some anxiety and ADHD issues, so he knows her (although I'm not sure he wants to talk). I mentioned this to W, and she said she'd like to bring them. I don't know why, except maybe for appearance sake.

When I was filling IC in on our talk with the kids, and how W had zero emotional reaction, IC asked if W is on anti-depressants. I know she's taken them in the past, but I'm not aware that she's on any right now. She definitely could be, though. Is this common, for the WAS to try to dull the emotional pain with anti-depressants?

One thing I don't think I mentioned here - the brownies. When we told the kids, W had brownies in the oven ready for the end of the talk. S14 was so upset that he didn't even want one. My IC couldn't believe that W would do that - try to soothe over the emotional pain with comfort food. Brownies make divorce better, right?

I have a lot of anger right now. I'm angry with W for doing this, for being so selfish. I'm angry that 3 people have to suffer because of her. I'm angry that she's robbed me of the opportunity to teach my kids about the value of marriage.

I feel like I've emotionally backtracked on a lot of the GAL and emotional stability I've been working so hard on. This is all tied to telling the kids. Like I said, my heart is breaking 2 more times for my boys. I suppose this is only normal and probably even healthy to feel bad for them. But I've just reached a point where I want to cut her out of our lives and move on.

I went to the Y with S10 last night. Us being together and trying to have fun feels good, but we both sometimes get sad or have a serious talk. Here's another thing I'm angry about: S10 has started to blame himself for the divorce. Poor guy! I told him this is absolutely not his fault.

W called me to discuss some logistics about the kids yesterday (a call from her feels weird now). Toward the end of the conversation, she asked me if I wanted to talk about anything. I said nope. Then she said, out of nowhere, "I'm sorry." I'm not sure what all that was about, but I just said "okay."

Just to be clear, I have zero hope that anything good for the MR could possibly happen at this point.

(And if you've made it to the bottom of this post, thanks for reading! I know a lot of people come to this forum for signs of hope. I'm sorry I can't offer that right now. I'm honestly a bit down that so many of us come here looking for hope, new people every day. So many hurting people )