While reviewing the DR book a question came to mind. In the "Do something different" area of the M is she referring to before or after the BD? Before for me i was distant and detached from the M (on cruise control), but after the BD i have been more attentive, caring and compassionate. Just not sure what i am supposed to be changing. The new behavior or the old
Hello and welcome to the forums! Please try and read as many of Sandi's posts as you can, she was a WAW and she can give you a lot of insight into what your W is thinking and feeling right now. Right now you are making the mistake a lot of us make/ made, you are trying to shower her with attention to make up for the lack of it during the M. While on the face of it this may seem like a "180" and the "right thing to do", it does not take into account your W's mentality right now, which is that she is DONE and wants NOTHING to do with you. So the more you try to show her how affectionate you can be, the more disgusted and repulsed she gets. And I'm not kidding with those words, that's how she feels about your advances right now. She's asking for space and you're doing the opposite! You need to give her what she wants. Space is what she wants, pursuit is what YOU want. Separation is what she wants, staying together is what YOU want. For once in your M, you have to quit putting your own needs in front of hers. It will be the hardest thing you ever do, but you've got to back off and quit pressuring her.
There is every reason to hang onto hope, if you can remove the pressure from her she will quit feeling like she needs to escape ASAP and she may put things in neutral. Then that will give you time to show her your improvements, and you'll need a LOT of time for that because at first she'll think they're just tricks to get her back. Eventually she'll realize you really have changed and maybe then she'll start being attracted to you again.
You've got to be patient, we're not kidding when we say this is a marathon. You're looking at many months or even a year or more. But hang in there, DBing takes time but it is effective.
Very helpful.... Thank you.
Question.... I have an interview next week which would bring me even closer to home and it wouldn't give me a place to stay away from home the few nights a week like i am now (like she wants). I would like to do this to have a more concrete schedule, more time off to spend with the kids and more time for GAL'ing. However, I don't want this to be perceived by her that this is me pursuing. Plus, like you stated above I need to give her the time and space she has requested. This career move might take some of that space away (unless I find someplace to stay those few nights).
