During all this counseling, she finally stopped and things got better. Several apologies etc. Several of the problems that were discovered were never really worked out. Communication on her part. Her personal baggage etc. I had my share too.
What personal baggage are you referring to? What about communication, what are the problems there? These sound like some very serious issues that you just kind of breezed past. Usually when someone engages in an EA they are doing it because something is missing in the M. What do you think she was getting out of an EA that she was missing in the M? How can you do a 180 on that?
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Well, I return Sunday evening and she hits me with it. Familiar reasons and behavior and I immediately suspect cheating again. No real reasons and lack of any logic. I confronted her in the most productive way I could and she denied and cried and said I would always suspect that. I have done some prying around and have yet to find real evidence. (they get better at it) Still, several things seem suspicious and I have to trust my heart.
Well you have to ask yourself if knowing versus not knowing matters to you. Early in my sitch I had suspicions, but I didn't know one way or the other (in fact 5 years later I still don't know). Some of the people here told me the same thing- would you change your DBing if you knew she was in an A and I decided that no, I wouldn't. So I let go of my need to know because it really didn't matter, she was two feet out the door no matter what. So ask yourself, and if you need to know then get serious about it and hire a PI. If you're going to DB regardless then let go of it.
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Before the first time, I trusted this woman like I have never trusted before. I would have never thought she was capable of cheating
Before BD I trusted my W unconditionally. BD blew my mind, I never saw it coming. My point is your sitch is a breach of trust and faith regardless of whether she's having an A or not. She committed to you for life, now she is rescinding her commitment without warning. Really tough to rebuild trust after that. Most people in piecing never do fully trust their spouse again, they keep the walls up a little (or a lot).
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Well, here's the catch. After less than a week of 180 she has moved closer.
Too soon to see any changes. WASs run hot and cold, it's important not to read too much into their actions when they're running hot. This is a long, long journey you're on.
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I am limiting my words. (A challenge as I do most of the talking).
One of my favorite sayings people use around here is "drink a tall cool glass of STFU", LOL! Learn to be quiet and listen. If she doesn't talk much then just be quiet.
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We had sex a few times and I now realize it was a mistake.
This subject comes up here, and I think it's talked about in DR as well. As a rule there's nothing wrong with continuing to have sex as long as you don't attach any expectations to it.
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I said she should file ASAP and she said she would.
Your goal isn't to pressure her and force her to do things, it's to REMOVE all pressure. Back off and give her time and space.
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My question that I haven't found from reading these many Newcomer threads is this. If I still suspect there is some type of A going on, should I proceed as if there is or just a WAW until my suspicions are confirmed?
Hopefully I answered that above, but the bottom line is whether it matters to you. If you found out there isn't an A, what would your approach be? If there is an A, would it be different?
