It's kind of appropriate this thread is nearly at 100.
I will try to keep it short (emphasis on try)
MC sessions went alright. - W. brought up the fight from two days ago - MC suggested we needed about six more weeks of MC and probably longer IC. When she asked how we felt my response was that the six weeks sound good but that probably we would need to assess if that is the right end period. W agreed and said that she still has fears and still has resentment to deal with (I saw that as a good sign. SHE brought it up to the MC so the fear she is faking it is diminished because obviously in the IC the counselor will discuss this with her and the worst that can happen is when she is over the resentment that she isn't in love. I would hate that but I can accept it...at least the counselor knows a big block. - I brought up the wedding anniversary and when counselor prompted her W said she never had happy thoughts of this day (which I almost brought up her lovely smile and giggling during the actual vows...but she isn't wrong that we did fight that day so she is focusing on the bad) - MC suggested that we can do something to create a new memory. W immediately said she loves that idea. MC said do something silly maybe a minion cake but then W said she also likes the idea of going over the top and dressing up nicely and going to a fancy restaurant (this tells me kind of she is actually trying and may actually still be in love but there are things we need to work on). MC said you could even pick a different day. It's funny my W suggested going over the top because I had a crazy idea to propose to her (I never actually did that) but I won't since it's too early. But I do wonder if maybe something like a promise will work but that doesn't sound right either. She needs actions not words. - I told MC that the reason why I brought up the anniversary was because I missed so many big moments for my W where I thought I was there for her but now I recognize I messed up and I didn't want to add another. - Counselor pointed out I still frame a lot of what I say with "she" and that I occasionally slip into rescuer mode. This is true. It's just this is how I have always operated. - MC suggested that we work on a 24 page worksheet over these weeks and that part of that deals with self forgiveness. I told her that I can more easily forgive W but that forgiving myself is much harder as that seems too easy and while I have accepted that I made mistakes I rather focus on not adding new mistakes. She said that is very common. It's especially hard knowing that I was in many ways (I almost typed some...) controlling. - Something interesting that I clearly don't have a context for because it happened in W's IC: MC said that W was worried about pursuing empowering things and that her independence would come at the cost of me. I had a similar fear that while I want my W to be independent and empowered that I did fear it would be closer for her to leave.
After the session we went to the same restaurant that we went to after the first counseling session. It's as if we are doing a new tradition which is good. My attempt has been to do new things with her that are enjoyable. So that when she thinks of topic x, y, z or situation a,b,c, that the latest data input has been joyous rather than what we have had in the past. Perhaps it's manipulative but my attempt is not to suddenly stop being nice.
- W brought up that she still has fears because in recent weeks I had explosive moments. So I sighed inside and brought up OM. I hadn't talked to her about him in a while. I told her to put herself in my shoes and think how she would if I had sex with a woman and she found out and was hurt by that how she would feel that I would still talk to her. She said that they don't talk that much (which really does seem true based on what I have seen at home..) and that he offered to leave her alone and that she needs to focus on working on herself. This made me reinforce that the more I don't give her space the less likely she will feel different. - W brought up that the counselor saying six weeks felt a bit like pressure as if she had to make a choice. I told her, well she also said that we would visit twice a month for a bit and then once a month. She said she feels like things are nice now but we have a referee to sort of interfere when things would go out of hand and that we perhaps keep things inside. I told her but you aren't faking when you are showing affection to me right? She said no. So I told her that she has shown so much affection lately and that if I am keeping anything inside it's those thoughts that would normally occur and would cause an argument. Now I just try to be more patient and THINK before I speak. But her fear is still an issue. So six weeks is a pretty long time for me to be even more consistently calm. - I spoke to my mom on Skype earlier that day and told W that they have a lot of love for her. Note: When I first told them my W wanted a divorce their first thought was OM. I didn't know she had one so I denied. It never came up again and I never felt it was important for my parents to know about this. Especially IF we recommit my parents need to not be an issue. But my W doesn't think so and said they call me a gold digging bitch. I said they never said that but clearly she is worried about how they perceive her. - She said when my parents visited (they live abroad in the country I am from) she wasn't feeling well but also didn't expect to see them again and she didn't want to fake lovey dovey around them as she felt it would be disrespectful. This was in 2014 right after we bought the home. It's just amazing how I knew she wasn't happy but I never knew just HOW unhappy she was and she DID stay with me for a long time. - The wedding anniversary came up and she said probably the breaking point was last year when it seems I didn't put any thought into it and just googled "six year wedding anniversary". I got her a silver necklace with a 6 and I knew she didn't like silver but I don't know why I went for it but I felt it would be funny. Reality is: I have always been worried about what to get her. Now I realize she is dropping a lot of hints and I just didn't listen. But I did put a lot of time looking for things.
So yes, similar obstacles: she is still afraid, she is working on her independence, she is addressing her depression and mood, she is working on dealing with colleagues. She says she isn't committed to saving the marriage (although she hasn't expressed those words in a while now....instead she says she still feels the same way and has fear) but her actions tell me a different thing. Affection isn't always coming from me first. She initiates a lot and she clearly is trying to do what the MC encourages us to do.
It almost seems as if she has slowly created this very dark image of what our M was like and she is slowly realizing it may have not been all that bad and that we actually CAN have a lot of fun and CAN work together and that she CAN have space and that I CAN be calm. The challenge is now switching to ONLY now and today rather than think back and think about missed opportunities. That is why I am glad she brought up resentment.
I remain hopeful but I cannot wait until W says she is recommitted. But her actions so far are more meaningful than her words. I also cannot wait to do a recommitment ceremony as I can then fully use my new found arsenal of being an amazing H. She sees a lot of pieces of what I can do and I have been very consistent. Like when I have left for a trip or she left I have done something to surprise her. None of it has been romantic but I have tried to do something meaningful and change it up. She has really loved all those moments (her love language is gifts).
