it is not truly laissez faire la la land, in that You are supposed to be doing something. You are working on you. What does that mean to you? Are you in IC yet?
A: I had my first DB coach session today...starting IC Tuesday...I feel good just making the appointment
Have you read the DR book? It's a must and if you have not read it yet, can you explain what the hold up is? Not hammering you about it but asking you to ask yourself why it has not happened. I assume it hasn't b/c SOME of your questions indicate unfamiliarity with DB concepts, that's all.
A: I have the book...reading it today!
You "had her move out of the MBR" means what?
A: I just told her I prefer if she sleep in another room based on what I read here on the forum ...the day after this, she left the note saying she ended the A
But the M remained sex starved, for about the past 5 years correct? So I'm Curious why you did not think intimacy needed to change, given your suspicions.
A: I certainly DID think it needed to change and wanted it to change...I tried to communicate that and one time she blew up and said "don't talk to me about sex"...so I laid off for quite awhile and felt she needed time...then, I convinced her to come to a counselling session with me together...she changed her mind at the last second and met alone with the counselor...but there were no subsequent meetings after that...this was last November/December ...when I figured out one of the A's, we were together on an amazing trip...it blew my mind....especially because I thought if I can help create the circumstances for intimacy like being alone together in a hotel away from all the worries of work, then we could achieve some success...but it was kind of sidetracked
The DB coach had some useful advice...
recommended a tool for what to do and what not to do: "if i do or say this, would I say this pulls her closer, push her away or be neutral at this time"..apply this thinking to my communications with W
....also said to look for small signs that we may be going in a better direction
...I explained to the coach that I'm on a roller-coaster day to day...some times the anger leads me to do the silent treatment and when I apply her recommendation I'd say that is going to push W away..so, I need to realize that's not a successful behavior
....the DB coach thought if I try something and it works, do more of it...if it's not working and pushing her away then stop
