So, my story is complicated because I don't know if this is about MLC, WAW, WW, ILYBIDLY or mental health. Both my W and I are mid forties with no children and a few pets. We've been together 10 years and M for 3 years. In a nutshell, this past June was BD, my W came home one day and W said she re-evaluated her life goals and I am not part of them; that W can't be married and doesn't want to work on it. W left that day to a hotel and within a week had an apartment and has not looked back. A couple days later, W moved stuff out of the house. W insists on divorce as the only path and I initiated the paperwork even though I don't want it and the date scheduled 3 months out.
I did the begging, pleading, apologizing, etc via email for a few weeks then went NC. In W return emails, W said W loved me, thought I was great, was happy, enjoyed our time, glad she met me, but W feels W wants to do everything alone and she is very selfish and wants no responsibilities and its the only way we can both be happy. Seems very MLC.
Now adding to complexity, my W does suffer from some mental health issues... bipolar with depression, hypomania, panic attacks, anxiety, obsessiveness, hypersexuality, PTSD that stems from an emotionally abusive F that committed suicide and I think she also felt her M abandon her by staying with her F. My W has a pattern of this relationship destruction because W cheated on her first H with an older married man. In our marriage, W had a crushy obsession with an older taken man that created tension in our marriage. My contribution was that I was emotionally closed off... partly because this crushy obsession seemed to escalate to W inserting herself into OM life and also I tend to be more emotionally walled off. My W has these obsessive crushes apparently on olderM who are nice to her. In this particular case, the OM is part of a hobby so they are in contact much via email, text, in person frequently, etc. I believe it is/was an EA though I don't believe it was a PA. A reason I walled off emotionally is because I knew addressing it that my W would never give up the hobby and therefore contact with OM would continue. I felt the EA would continue to erode our marriage. So I felt no hope addressing it until I could solve in my mind. Along the mental health lines, W had her worst depression episode this past winter. W went on meds and to pdoc. W stopped both - the meds knocked her out 22 hrs a day and supposed the pdoc knew OM's women so it was a conflict of interest. My W did not take a referral so my gut says the real reason is that the pdoc told her to resolve the situation that my W needed to cut ties with OM, which due to hobby she would never do.
I was aware of some of W mental health upfront, but W downplayed the severity, said W was previously hospitalized and in therapy so thought many of W issues were dealt with and in the past. I was not well informed though on things like bipolar which know understand really needs ongoing meds and therapy or it will be unstable. W has a tendancy to be depressed in winter and make big decisions in spring. W left me once before for a day in June a few years ago, the next few springs we made big life decisions, and then this year W left in June and we did not have much going on.
As mentioned, for 2.5 weeks, I emailed, texted, and pleaded. W was resolute stating it really didn't have anything to do with me, I was great but for W, W is very selfish, doesn't want to be married, and wants to do things alone. W hobby is W passion and it basically puts W around men and women 20 years older than her all the times (mostly men).
For the next week or so, I initiated calls to W and we just had pleasant small talk. My expectations were to still fix this and I was looking for a way in. I am a fixer and was codependent. We met to sign the initial divorce filing and she was in an "out of body" state. So, after that I emailed a plea to work this out and via email she was resolute again that divorce is the only path.
I saw her postings still on FB about how sad she was, she missed the pets, but then also that she is the happiest ever and with a pic of OM doing the hobby that she is soooo happy. W posted about me giving her a box of darkness when she received divorce papers. I've been clear, it is not what I want but I am respecting W choice. So, I reached out again and was shot down. I have since stopped FB.
Since then, I have not initiated contacted, but neither has W really. W called me once a couple of weeks ago to setup to meet on our next divorce step. There was pleasant small talk but that is it. We met to do the next paperwork and W appeared happy and telling me all about everything she was doing and she's never home. She did ask how I was and what I've been doing and I provided highlights but not great detail.
A week past and I just received an email from W. It basically said, it was good to see me, W knows this is hard, but W part of paperwork is done. Then W told me a bit about what she did over the weekend, said she was impressed with what I was doing (though only mentioned one thing and then said "and that") and that's about it.
So, we really have no reason to contact each other. I know it takes two in a relationship and she's indicated no desire. I've tried to stay with that fact because I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.
I fear that she is making the decision not based in a clear head.... either mental health, MLC, or EA fantasy w/OM. I know I can't control that and it is hers to deal with.
Everyone tells me that with her baggage, no matter what the reason, I am better off.... that if it wasn't now, it was going to be later, but it was going to be.
Its difficult because I love W and felt that 98% of our marriage was very good and very solid. The 2% that wasn't, was fixable. I get that she probably checked out 18 months earlier which would have coincided with her ramping up with this OM. I also understand my part that I was not as emotionally fullfilling as she needs and this is something for me to work on. For me, it was driven by fear of the outcome of EA fantasy with OM and being unable to see a solution. I don't believe there is intentional reciprocation from OM...... I believe W's mental health issues contribute to a fantasy situation and has her pursuing at least an EA, if not expect a PA at some point, W sees doing everything with OM, because in the shared hobby they "fullfill each other's dreams".
So my predicament is wanting to make the M work which I can't do without a willing W. I feel like this is just a typical M misunderstanding that gets talked about and not a BD situation like it is. I struggle to let go and want to respond to her email to look for another in road. I want to ask if she is willing to talk about it. I want to ask her to come for dinner to see pets. If I don't then we really have little to no reason to communicate and the next time we'd talk is at the final divorce.
I have ordered the DB book but not received yet. I know I need to work on myself and I am trying. I am exercising, GAL, etc....I recognize my part in the M.
Any advice on my fully loaded sitch?
Me: 47 W: 44 M: 3 yrs; 10 years together D (Hers): 2000 BD: 06/01/2017 S: 06/01/2017
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
It's hard but know you're not alone. This sites advice is wonderful and will help regardless of the reason or outcome. Do it.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
