Here again part 12

[sandi2]

And yes yes yes, I know he *IS* gone and I know filing is a piece of paper. But like my family has said me ignoring him and leaving him alone has allowed him to act even more crazy. He hasn't once gone to another woman's house until lately, and then coming and going with no communcation. Also no texting me asking about dinner or that he's on his way here. I mean it's worse and worse each week more and more distance.

What were you expecting? You are suppose to be dropping the rope........not watching him and measuring how far he has distanced himself. This is probably something you don't want to hear, but I'm going to say it anyway. I think your H is really done with this M. I think the only way he will return is if he was without anybody else and returned home for the security. If he doesn't do well living alone, or being alone in a relationship.......then if he is abandoned, he'll run back home like a little boy seeking the comfort and security of his family.

Is that who you want? If so, how long would it be until he had a new female interest? The information you were given about him being in a R when he first met you and started talking, etc.........said something to me. Has he ever lived alone anytime in his life? He begins a new romance before he leaves the old one. When he was dumped by the previous live-in, he really panicked and went running home to you......and would have promised ANYTHING under the sun, just to get back where he felt safe again. I think the reason he goes to your house is b/c he doesn't want to be alone on the nights he shows up. Although it is not that pleasant at home, it beats being by himself.

He's doing exactly what he did last time, vacations, concerts all with his new GF... I mean there apparently is many more than 1. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around that this is what he wants.

Whatever is going on with him, it speaks loudly about his character. You have said you don't want him back like he is now.......you want the guy you know he could be. What if the guy you thought you knew was a phoney? Maybe he felt as if he was living a lie. Maybe he has a split personality. Who knows? The point is that he is not that guy now, and may never be again......at least, not in a R with you. That's why you have to drop the rope and stop torturing yourself.

I really don't know anymore. I feel so so lost. I feel back at square one and I know it's just an overwhelming day with lack of sleep from last night, feeling like I screwed last night up, being gone all day at school and then spending 2.5 hours in the lawyers office. I am overwhelmed

.

Look, you know how drivers in a race will hit something in the road, and they pull over for a pit stop? The mechanics start working quickly to get that car back out there on the road. The good thing about it is the driver does not have to go back to the starting line. Neither do you, T. You are going to hit bumps in the road, but it does not knock you back to square one, you just need a pit stop, gear up, and get back on track.

I just want to know there is hope he is going to change his mind.

Honestly, I don't think he will change his mind, as long as he can have some female waiting in the wing. I believe the only thing that would cause him to change his mind is what I said in the first paragraph.

So tonight should I have this conversation with him? Should I ask to meet somewhere outside of the home? I think tonight it may seem like I am having the conversation out of retaliation of him going to visit his family and not taking the kids. I can wait until tomorrow night depending what you guys think is best.

You just said you were having a bad day. You are exhausted from no sleep, you've made a step toward the D, and you are spiraling. So why on earth would you choose the same day to talk to your H???

It is so discouraging to hear and really hurts me that nobody in my life has hope that he will snap out of this.

You may be hurt by what I've had to say, also. Having adult children who have experienced what you are going through.....I can say that it kills your folks to see you clinging to a very slim chance that he will return. I'll give you a little warning, if he should return.......your folks may not be thrilled about it. They have seen him put you through hell, and if you were my D, I simply could not trust him not to do it again. As I told my own D, "I'm not in love with him........so please don't expect me to act as if he has not hurt my child". I was pleasant to him, but I did not welcome him back with open arms. He was a charmer, and a hard worker, but he just couldn't keep his pants zipped. After the third time he was caught, my D said, "Enough". She thought the heartbreak would kill her, but she survived and later met and married a wonderful man.

For your own sake, I hope you will let go. Maybe I shouldn't speak so plainly, IDK. I think it is hurting you more by clinging to some shred of hope he'll snap out of this and go home. I don't think he's ever going to return to that H you want in him. Let him go.
((((T)))).