Last night I was out walking with my sons, ages 12 and 14, and my youngest son said, "I wish we could split the house and you could live on one side and mommy could live on the other side." We've been divorced for nearly a year and they still want everything back the way it was. That's very sad.
It is clear from tour posting history that you are a great dad and that you have done all you can to help your boys make the transition as easy as possible. But those things are out of our hands.
There was a documentary on tv (in my home country, not the US) some time ago regarding children and divorce. Apparently the kids will hope, not just for a long time but for LIFE, that mummy and daddy reconsile. Tough....
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
Yes the way we handle these situations is CRUCIAL for how kids will cope with it. I would encourage you to talk to whoever told your D that her mom is a liar. Never let the kids know what is really going on because unless they are in danger they need both parents in their lives and you CAN make that work.
As to their hope of being a family..that likely will change over time...depending on how well THEIR interests are being made a priority by both parents (and their families and friends). A lot of kids are able to recognize that mommy and daddy are awesome people but they shouldn't be together. Even at a young age kids are more perceptive than we often give them credit for BUT of course they blame themselves early on.
The waiting is REALLY getting to me. Limbo [censored].
My C just cancelled my appointment for today because she has a family emergency and has to go out of town.
My L has not yet gotten back to me with details (I got an email yesterday saying they'll forward everything to me once their response is completed and we have a court date for the motion hearing).
STBXW says the reason she called the police is not over the washer/dryer, but because "You scared me with how you was screaming and yelling and buffaloing around. You had me shaking." I did raise my voice (she was in the house, and I was outside), but screaming or acting aggressive? No. The only thing the police asked me about was the washer/dryer, but I haven't seen the report yet.
Busy day yesterday. My L wanted to see the adoption agreement, becasue she had some concerns. I couldn't find it (I think STBXW may have taken it with her things when she moved out) so I had to go to the courthouse and get a copy. Also got a copy of the police report, which basically says "I got called about a washer/dryer" in cop, rather than the BS above.
When I dropped these off with L, she gave me a copy of STBXW's motion, which basically says, "let's take all this stuff we agreed on, throw it out, and start completely over in mediation." Court date is set for September 6th.
She has D this week (the parenting plan we agreed to gives us each two weeks in the summer, and she wanted this as her second week. Ironically, she asked for this AFTER she disputed the darn parenting plan!) I agreed and asked for weekend #5 in exchange (which should have been mine under that same plan) and she initially refused but relented. D and I went out to the movies on Friday, Dollywood on Saturday, and horseback riding and visiting family on Sunday. GREAT weekend!
I haven't gotten to talk to D since Sunday. STBXW is simply sending my calls to voicemail and ignoring my texts when I try to call her, and isn't having her call me. First day of school is on Friday, and it's really just registration. I asked STBXW if she would handle the registration (D has to be there) or if she wanted me to pick D up on Thursday night, take her to school on Friday, and she could pick her up at my office mid-morning on Friday and she didn't bother to respond to that.
She sent texts nitpicking my parenting on Monday.
I'm beginning to feel like something is going on, like I'm going to find out she has D registered at a different school or something.
My L still says she's confident we are in a good place.
Tried to call D again. STBXW sent me straight to voicemail. Ignored text asking why I wasn't being allowed to talk to D.
Called MIL, who told me that STBXW "is not allowed to have contact with you right now" and that I would be allowed to talk to D tonight since she would be with MIL.
I don't know the US rules regarding contact with your child when she is with stbxw, but do you have a legal right to have it? (I know you have a moral right, but you know, WW's....)
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
As to her being afraid of your anger. This took me a long time to accept responsibility for me. But I am a tall guy, I am bigger, I am physically imposing, and when I get excited (both positive or negative) my voice increases volume. I would never really hurt anyone (although I have crossed the boundaries in the past with what I DID do and my defense was always well I had to defend myself against you...which isn't true but that's in the past).
The last time my W was really afraid was several weeks ago and that is when I finally accepted her feelings because I put myself in her shoes. I wasn't going to hurt her but she felt scared. It had to do with OM why I was mad but I also accepted that this has been something she had been trying to tell me for years how I act in these situations. She said she would go to a hotel. She apparently texted a mutual friend to see if that person was awake and could pick her up. So when I recognized the pattern I stopped doing what I normally do: follow her, open the door, ask her to speak with me. Instead I said something like: I don't want you to be afraid but know that I will walk away because we need some space. Some time passed, her door opened, and we were in the same space. I think that was a powerful moment. But because W was so afraid it did influence the subsequent days. It's why I decided to not get so worked up again, to drop talking about OM, to recognize she DOES feel trapped, that OM is the only person she knows that has no connection to me.
If my sitch improved it's because I made those changes. It's still fragile. My W called what happened last week a meltdown on my part but I wasn't quite at that emotional level from weeks ago. But I thought about it and recognized that my W had legitimate fears and that won't easily go away.
So if your W has said over the years similar things trust her and even if you aren't angry or was going to become violent validate her feelings. It may help. Now my W never called the cops.
The best action is to not give her any new data to her perception of you as scary or angry. This is incredibly hard. But also your time with D will also give a track record on how your D describes you to W.
STBXW is the one with the temper. Screams, yells, curses, etc. At me, at D, at her mother, whoever. I've seen her scream and curse at a three year old child for not acting her age.
Through our M, I always told her "you would NEVER stand for me talking to you the way you regularly talk to me."
Was I angry? Hell yes, she did something she knew she wasn't allowed to do. Did I scream like a lunatic or physically intimidate? Hell no.
I don't know the US rules regarding contact with your child when she is with stbxw, but do you have a legal right to have it? (I know you have a moral right, but you know, WW's....)
Tennessee law says calls of reasonable duration a minimum of twice a week. If that's how she wants to do things, then she should communicate such rather than complaining she doesn't get to talk to D enough (because she doesn't bother to call) and unilaterally changing what we've been doing.
When this started, I had D call her like clockwork before bed, and they also talked in the morning before school (again, we called her). I never got the same courtesy on weekends. If I didn't call D, I didn't get to talk to her. Eventually I just told STBXW "Call anytime you want, but I'm not going to be responsible for D calling you if you aren't going to do the same."
Recently her tune changed (when we are in NJ, I got a complaint that I wasn't having D call her. I had given her my mother's number with the statement 'call her ANY TIME you want to' and she never did. She stated at that time that she "always" had D call me when she was with her. Which is simply not true).
When we got back from NJ and she kept D for the week, she had D call me every night, and even in the afternoon once or twice. It was a nice change. I aped her behavior, and D again called her every morning and every evening. Since I dropped off D, I have had one phone call lasting about a minute, and all attempts to have any other contact are ignored.
