Listen Cadence, I know you get frustrated with me (I'm saying this in a loving tone BTW :))
Thank you for the loving tone. And, said right back to you in a loving tone: "I don't blame you for being emotional today and I'm not frustrated with you. At all!"
Don't take any outrage with the way you talk to yourself in your head as criticism of you. It's more that I'm outraged that you're putting yourself through this and I'm hoping to shake you out of it.
Quote:
So do I need to respond or just say nothing?
I'd wait for others to chime in, and I'd ask your L, but I would lean toward saying nothing until you have a better idea of the direction you want to take. There's no emergency that you need to respond to. Just let it sit.
Quote:
My dad said I have been so emotionally beat down by H that I've lost myself. That the old T wouldn't dare put up with this crap. They said he is manipulating me to believe what he's saying and that he's doing a good job because he has me believing this is my fault.
I agree.
T, he's done this before, and he came back saying he'd made a mistake. Now he leaves after you bought a home together and after you had a planned third child, and you think it's your fault?
Step outside of your head and look at it how outsiders see it. It's somewhat absurd, and he's not doing it because you're so monstrous to him. He's doing it because he thinks that happiness should come from an external source, and we all know that's not accurate, but that's up to him to discover.
You have to let him go and let him fall. Just like your sons, when they were learning to walk around and discover. You'd let them go, even though it was bittersweet that they were growing up. H has told you he needs to leave, and you've got to let him go. You are doing this because you love yourself, he's told you over and over what he wants, and you have the integrity to allow him what he wants.
Him feeling controlled is not the same thing as you controlling him.
You are a kind-hearted woman who cares very deeply for him, but you've got to make yourself cut off the supply of caring, and shift your empathy toward yourself. If H hadn't chosen this route, you'd still be caring for him and his feelings, but he fired you from the position where it makes sense for you to hurt on his behalf.
And, honestly, hurting for him and feeling guilt are natural for the place you're in. But you don't want to allow yourself to remain in that place, because that would be the behavior of a codependent person.
