PS, FWIW, I don't think it's a great idea to imagine a new guy in your life quite yet. Give yourself some space to rest before that happens.
I was really settled, devoted, and invested in my life with H, only to have that taken away. Picturing a happy future with a (nameless, faceless) guy helps me to know that it's going to be okay no matter what and reminds me that the loss of H isn't the end of my story. I'm a one-guy woman and so this helps me put my future in context.
However, it's not me picturing any specific person and I know I'm not ready to date yet.
If it's not an exercise that helps T when she's feeling this loss, that's ok.
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My heart is telling me things could have been okay if I would have just not said anything all those months. I know it doesn't matter but I am beating myself up over it.
T, it's okay to have these feelings. This is the part of you that very much wants to believe you have control over other people. It's linked to your spiraling, when you are soothsaying and picking apart his every move. You want to predict, and know, and thus feel in control.
We think H is W because he is listening to his feelings. He is molding reality to fit his current feelings. From the outside looking in, that doesn't make much sense, because reality doesn't change based on how someone is feeling. Feelings should be based on reality, right?
Your heart is telling you your feelings. Your feelings are natural, but should you allow them to be the only thing guiding your behavior and choices?
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Secondly, do any of you think I should try and have a conversation with H to see if he is willing to agree on support and visitation and then offer to have it legally drawn up? Or do you all really think it's best just to have him served out of nowhere?
Go with what your L says.
If I get a vote, at this point, where this man is using your home as a hotel and telling you he can't pay a utility bill despite the motorcycles, concerts, and illegal steroids he can afford, I vote for the latter.
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I am just I guess playing devils advocate if I should give him the opportunity to agree to paying/childcare before just having him served out of nowhere.
T, he fired you from being his wife. You are still compelled to view him through the lens of wife, where you protect him from adversity and hardship.
Does he do the same for you? Or is he willfully introducing adversity and hardship into your life?
Look at him as he is today, not as how you want him to be.
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And when should I have the conversation about moving out, after I've filed but before he's served?
What did your L say? If you didn't ask, it might worth a phone call or email to find out what she recommends. But I don't think there's anything wrong with expressing that you wish he'd get his own place. That's wholly different from telling him to move out.
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I feel like I am losing my mind not knowing what the heII to do and so afraid of doing the wrong thing.
You are overthinking and your mind is torturing you with the idea that you have some control over the outcome, and you don't. As long as you are acting with your best interest (and your sons' best interest) in mind, and you are acting from a place of integrity and courage, you're doing the best thing.
H created a situation where any person with secure self-esteem would begin prioritizing themselves. You are not doing anything crazy here. You're in school and you have three little ones. H has done this before, and the last time he did, he stopped contributing toward finances. You are using all the information that you have and you are taking a stand that you are your priority, and H has made his bed.
Deference to H doesn't make him come back. What makes him doubt his choice to leave is seeing a strong confident T who isn't afraid to lose him. This is the exact opposite of what your instincts are screaming at you to do, but, oftentimes, facing a loss isn't the time to listen to instincts. If we are insecure in any way, our instincts will lead us astray and work against our goals.
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I'm just not ready for what's about to come, I recognize that.
I don't know if anyone ever is.
Listen, H left, and he put you in a situation you didn't want to be in. That was his choice. You couldn't have changed it. You couldn't have forced him to choose differently.
And now you're making the best of a situation you never wanted and you're prioritizing yourself and your security.
When you're spinning, go read other success stories all the way through. Look for when the LBS advocates for themselves, and look how it can still work out in the end.
Also, get out of your own head and go give some other people advice! You're good at it.
