Jim, I haven't responded to you but I've been reading in the past few weeks. Here's some tough love for you, meant to help you keep making some progress:
The pattern I see from you is that every single hint of positive interactions with your W causes you to become invested in the idea that things are turning around. And then when you get feedback that contrasts that, you lash out, particularly if the feedback is from a woman. I don't think that's fair. Those who respond to you are trying to help you, and they are taking time out of their day to do so.
You constantly challenge Sandi2 and demand she explain herself when she tells you something you'd rather not hear. And it doesn't seem to be challenging her so that you can understand her (though you've gotten better about this), it seems to be challenging her feedback as valid. And now you've done the same to 25mlc. You are much more polite to male posters, and this bothers me a little bit and I have to speak up for my ladies.
I tell you the above because what seems like distrust and hostility toward female posters shows us you're not where you need to be. Your W is a woman, and I have to say that having women respond to you, particularly one who was once wayward, is something that you should feel gratitude about and welcome their feedback instead of sniping.
Women can be mysterious creatures. I am one, and I only started to realize some things about women - including myself - a few years ago. We absolutely do challenge men, and we throw out little tests to see how they'll respond. I do it. I don't even know why I'm doing it. We don't do it consciously, it's more like we're testing them for how much they'll put up with; I truly believe it is an evolutionary/instinctual thing, since it would benefit women to have a strong driven man protecting them and their home.
If a woman throws out these tests and the man constantly defers to her, and shows her he will do anything to avoid losing her, it's unattractive on a very deep level. Sure, we want to know he loves us and wants things to work, but he has to show us he loves himself more and that he will not allow us and our challenges to disrespect him. It is that quality that allows us to invest in him and want him to be our mate. He is showing us he has value as a man and he chooses us, but he does not need us. This will sustain a woman's attraction and respect.
I am not telling you that men have to be angry alpha males to sustain attraction. It's okay to want to live as an evolved man. But what men have to do is embrace their male quality of calm assertiveness, and to not let a woman's challenges work to where he shows her he can't/won't live without her. This is how the power balance can stay balanced, rather than shifting entirely toward the W.
With a WW, it's 100% worse. At that point, the challenges to her LBH have become consciously driven, and a failure to stand up for oneself as a man is very unattractive to the WW. She thinks she can give you just enough to keep you on the hook until she decides what she really wants, or has a new life set up.
And, Jim, it is right there where you've gone wrong in the past. You are being taken advantage of because you've let her take advantage of you. You do not meet her challenges knowing that you are a man who deserves his W's respect. You want to "nice" her back into the marriage, not truly understanding that this is a losing strategy, because you don't want to accept the way women operate when it comes to attraction.
If you were refusing to accept her disrespect, she'd be getting upset with you. That's a fantastic sign and is not something to avoid or fear. It simply means she's upset at the different response to her challenges, and so she's escalating them. Hold strong. You do no need to be mean to her or aggressively dominant; you do need to show her that you can and will live without her and that you will not have a W taking advantage of you as a man.
In general, when you feel anxious and angry reading feedback, you might stop and think about why you're having that reaction, rather than choosing to lash out. My guess is that you'll conclude that what you are reading contrasts with what seems like some magical thinking that this will turn around quickly, or that you can "nice" her back. And I don't feel that someone who has that magical thinking has done enough GAL, because the result of GAL is an understanding that the LBS will be fine, even happy, if there is no true R. Note how this corresponds to the man who is tested, who responds in a way where the woman knows his value.
You are on a long road, and your W has to show a long and consistent period of remorse, regret, NC with OM, and a willingness to do everything necessary to re-earn your trust. If it's not long and consistent, nothing has changed, and you keep your hopes in check. That's the majority of what you lash out at - when folks are trying to tell you that nothing has changed. It doesn't mean that it can't happen, just that posters realize when you're getting in your own way and are thus discouraging you. Posters can see the bigger picture that you can't see, because you're emotionally invested in it.
Truly, everyone means well. It's not okay to lash out. If folks thought your situation was hopeless, they wouldn't respond to you at all. I'm writing because I think it's possible, but it's time for a sea change on your part to give it the best chance of happening.
I want to give you credit, because that phone call was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING, and you need to keep that attitude consistent, despite any small signs from her. She's going to challenge you to see if you step up, and she's going to manipulate you into believing that she's seen the light so you'll go back to being "nice".
(And maybe she has actually seen the light, but you cannot allow yourself to trust it until it is a long period of consistency where she shows you she is working hard. Folks here should be able to help you understand when it appears authentic.)
Don't be afraid to tell her you want her to leave; it could be just what is needed to have her see you differently. Things won't improve until she sees you differently and understands that there's a new Jim in town and he's not putting up with her chit. It's a scary step to take, for sure, but there are plenty of people who have posted here that tells you that living separately is not the point of no return. What it does is to give a WW a view into the consequences of her selfish choices, and that view can very much work in your favor.
In the meantime, your W knows you very well and she knows how to do things to tug at your heartstrings to try to get you safely in Plan B territory, keeping her in her comfortable life while she has OM on the side. The tissues and rosary were a solid Oscar-worthy performance. (If women are telling you it's a manipulation, it's a manipulation. We know our kind.)
And it really feels like you refuse to see her as wanting to manipulate you, instead assigning small behaviors to the part of you that desperately wants to believe that "part of her" wants to save the M. It's understandable why you'd want to believe that, since it keeps you from acceptance and the grief you'd have to otherwise face if you accepted that your W has changed. You are being challenged by advice givers because your thinking is keeping you stuck and keeping you from making the progress you need to make for the best chance of happiness for you, regardless of what happens, and the best chance at regaining your W's respect and potentially having her - consistently over a period of time - pursue you to R.
Do you deserve to be Plan B, Jim? I don't think you do, and I think you should keep up your assertiveness with your WW about that absurd notion. Instead of channeling assertiveness (that ends up as unfortunate aggressiveness) toward female advice givers, channel it toward a WW who is acting selfishly and isn't being a good W to you.
Your W is having an affair. She is not acting honorably. She could have left the marriage and begun D proceedings before getting involved with someone new. Her actions and lack of integrity tell us that she is acting selfishly. Maybe she wasn't always this way, and maybe she won't always be that way, but this is who you are dealing with now.
Note that I am not judging her as a person; I'm sure you would not have married her and loved her as you do if she were always a selfish woman. But your memories of her do not jive with the reality of her, currently, and you seem reluctant to accept it.
These small little positive occurrences from her are relatively meaningless without a consistent pattern of improvement from her, and thus we can conclude that they are very likely to be manipulation attempts from a selfish W. That's why you're getting feedback you'd rather not get, because this is not going to rapidly turn around quickly. Discouraging feedback doesn't mean that people don't believe there's hope here; it's that you can't continue on the path you need to be on if you allow yourself to be filled with hope at these small occurrences. It makes you want to return to "nice" sympathetic H, and that works against your goals for your M. We're trying to urge you to be skeptical toward your W (rather than the advice givers) because that works in your favor in ways you seem to struggle to grasp.
That's my meta take on this. I do hope you're receptive to it, and I hope I haven't been hurtful or insulting (if I have been, please take an opportunity to be calmly assertive toward me, and practice embracing being a man who knows what he deserves. I will respond positively to that!)
(Sorry for the length of this. I guess reading and not commenting meant I had a lot to say!)
