Had a good evening and morning with W. We talked a bit further as to what happened and while reflecting on this before going to bed I came to the realization that not everything W. does has to be a reflection of how she feels about me. I knew that already. But I also realized that after a few days of not much coming from W. that I attempt to dismiss that conclusion.
But and here is the other big moment that I think several of you have pointed out, my W. probably pointed it out and for sure the MC: before she can fully want to recommit and work on US she has to first work on herself. Just like I have work left to do. In many ways I knew that. I just hadn't internalized it nor did I accept its true meaning.
My W. feels like she is running out of spoons (any introvert on here will recognize that language) and so ANY interaction with me causes her exhaustion when she needs the time to recharge. Sometimes she just wants me in the same room. But of course while I let her initiate the conversation most of the time I become very chatty.
In the car ride this morning we spoke about how we both love seeing green and trees and while moving won't fix things that being happy in the place you live is important. Neither of us really likes the sun here in Florida. We both like to be outside but we barely are outside because we are immediately drenched in sweat and my W deals with major migraines. But we cannot move immediately so we have time to further develop the counseling and hopefully in a few months we can see where we could be going. I still expect a least a year of real work on US.
My W. last night said I look good, I look younger like "you are looking like the old Tobias again". I look less stressed she says. Part of it is certainly compared to when I first got here (and the month before that) I AM more relaxed. I sleep better. Mostly it's because W and I are interacting better and we are going through counseling. I also heard that colleagues here want me to become department chair because they trust me. On the other hand, I think while my W has regained some of her respect for me that she still is working on that. Me giving her space, not always being in her face, not always needing communicating, not always needing to address a problem WHEN it happens rather than take a break has allowed her to relax a bit and notice that while I certainly am taking care of myself more in recent weeks that a lot of what she felt were reasons she was unhappy with me can be fixed.
Again if she is faking it. If she is just learning skills to be with the next person. If she is really not interested in staying with me beyond that now she can afford things on both of our salaries. The worst thing could be true BUT I have learned so much about what I needed to do. I love for her to remain in my life as my W but if not, someone else out there will appreciate it.
She is also working on her independence. She still needs to start driving lessons but the more independent she is the less trapped she will feel. Once that feeling is gone she will realize that while I may have said things and done things that gave her valid reasons to be scared that I am not some abusive controlling husband. On my part I am addressing the legitimate reasons she felt that way. I am comfortable saying in some ways I was a abusive controlling husband. I hate that it was that way but I no longer focus on my justifications and explanations that may be true but they shouldn't be present in a healthy relationship.
So in my IC on Saturday I am going to bring this all up (unless it comes up in the MC tonight) as there clearly is a link here with me being impatient.
