Yes, I think your W and mine have both downloaded the same "End Your Marriage" app and started the program within a few days of each other. It's scary to see the similarities between our sitches. I'm only half joking on the app thing - I seriously wouldn't be surprised if such a thing exists.
Good luck with GAL! That's going to be a real challenge for me, after the emotional toll of telling the kids.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Thanks Holding, Thank god for my kids! If there is any silver lining to all of this madness is that I have grown so close to my kids as WW has pushed away! It tears me up inside that the mother of my children can bring so much pain to the ones who love her the most. I believe that my WW was not planning on me getting closer with the kids, she told me at some point that her getting majority custody would be easy as she didn't think the kids would want to be with me, of course that is active affair mentality. Can't understand why a mom who says the kids won't want to be with there dad would ever ask for 50/50 joint custody when everyone of her friends and her lawyer told her to get 80/20 majority custody or more?? Sounds to me like she just wants to be a single woman! Whatever she wants to do now is none of my concern unless it affects my kids!
So here I am 3 days after the talk with our kids and my WW's decision to destroy the lives of my children and walkaway from the life that we built for the dream of something better and I am depressed beyond belief! As much as I try to GAL and be uplifting and positive around the house and my kids I can't help but get emotional when I look at their faces and see the pain they are in. Does this ever get better? This "stage" is actually worse than the original BD as WW just walks around like it's no big deal, no emotion, I don't get it. Thankfully I see my IC today to talk through what has transpired over the last couple weeks to hopefully give me the tools to continue moving forward without the woman I used to love so much. I am sleeping better if that means anything as she has left the MBR, the problem with that is she is sleeping in the bed with D11, should I set some boundary that she needs to sleep somewhere else?? Any advice on that would help. Thanks,
You should tell W to sleep somewhere else. Her bad decisions shouldn't be allowed to inconvenience your children anymore than they have to. If there are no other rooms, then have her sleep on the couch. Thisbis theblife she chose for herself.
Can I ask how S16 and S13 are taking it? My S14 is kind of in denial about the whole deal and refuses to talk. [/quote]
Holding S17 now seems to have turned into a man overnight as he is comforting his siblings, I love him more that ever for taking on that roll even though it's not fair to him, the unfortunate part is that my WW has now taken away his youthful child like demeanor that made him so much fun to be around. I'm sure he'll get that back in time. He is also not around now, hangs out with friends and his girlfriend as if he doesn't want to be at the house. I miss him already, we are going to work out tonight so that should be fun! S13 is a complete mess, like your S14 he is in complete denial and doesn't talk much and seems like he is trying to hide, he starts to cry out of the blue especially when he sees me, all my kids seem to be comforting me and pushing away from WW as she is showing no remorse or emotion whatsoever. They don't understand how she isn't sad about this. I don't get it.
So here I am 3 days after the talk with our kids and my WW's decision to destroy the lives of my children and walkaway from the life that we built for the dream of something better and I am depressed beyond belief!
Dusty, just take a deep breath. Your kids' lives aren't destroyed. Your W isn't malicious. She's doing what she thinks she needs to do to survive and be happy. Your kids will come through this just fine. Catastrophic thinking will just make things seem much worse than they really are.
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Does this ever get better?
Yes. You're at that stage where everything seems hopeless, but things do get much better whether your M is saved or not. But you need to be patient with yourself.
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WW just walks around like it's no big deal, no emotion, I don't get it.
Like we say over and over again here, what you see on the outside is not what is going on within. She is trying to hold it together and act like it's no big deal, but inside she's hurting and in turmoil. She hates what she's doing, but at the same time feels it's justified and that she must proceed.
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the problem with that is she is sleeping in the bed with D11, should I set some boundary that she needs to sleep somewhere else??
I doubt it's hurting anything and it may be helping your D. I wouldn't worry about it.
Yesterday had a real good session with IC, she gave me some good feedback on what I am doing and how I handled telling the kids, made me feel good that I didn't screw up too bad. Met my S17 at the gym for a good workout and I continue to notice attention from other women at the gym which boosted my confidence that I may be OK regardless of what happens. When I got home I interacted with my S13 and D11, they are both still sad and seem still lost in what has happen but at least I didn't cry in front of them! Trying to be strong, my kids are worried about me if I will be lonely, I just tell them that I won't because I have them. WW entered the house, I got up from the chair and welcomed her, said hi and asked her how she doing, (this is a 180 from how I had been in the house pre BD) It was met with positive feedback and then that was it. Later WW took a shower got ready for bed and then I guess I wasn't paying attention but she told me she was going to bed and she slept in the MBR??? I just figured that since she slept in D11's room the last 3 nights that is the new normal in the house. Looks like I need to talk to her and let her know that this is the marital bed and bedroom and since she doesn't value the marriage anymore she needs to sleep somewhere else! Advice on this????
Today a sister in law from WW side reached out to me as she just found out about our sitch. She wanted to know how sad she felt for what has happened, she is the first person from her family that has shown any compassion yet. SIL and I had become good friends over the years and wanted me to know that we will always be family and I could reach out to her if I ever needed to. I thanked her and let her know that I didn't want this and there was more to the story than what she has been told, I probably shouldn't have said that but I am tired of looking like the bad guy through this. I love my WW's family, I have known them for half my life and they are dropping me like a bad habit and I am having a real hard time dealing with it. I guess I will need more therapy as I am still a mess, I sometimes hate the fact that I am an emotional person, my wife used to love the fact that I was like that! Oh well, keep working on myself! Kind of all over the place, that is what I feel is going on in my head, just kind of circling the drain that seems to be blocked at the moment.
Dusty, glad the IC went well for you. I'm very surprised you're still able to greet your W and ask how she's doing. I'm not that strong. After my W said she wanted a divorce, she's like a ghost in my house that I pretend isn't there.
Weird that your W moved back into the MBR. I would advise that you just tell her it's hard and uncomfortable for you to share the MBR with her. Maybe don't tell her flat out to leave the room - I don't know, there may be legal ramifications if you say she absolutely is not welcome in the room.
Please don't hate your emotional side. Your emotions are not a weakness. This is a horrible thing we're all going through, and you shouldn't ever look to your W's lack of emotion about this and be jealous.
Has your W been on anti-depressants? The only reason I ask is that my IC asked me the same thing when I told her my W had zero emotion when we told the kids.
Hang in there!
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Holding Here we are again, on the exact same time frame. I try to be as upbeat as possible in my house as she had mentioned in all this that she was on egg shells around me in the house and felt that I was unpleasant to talk to. I did talk to a DB coach for one session and she recommended that to do a 180 on that I need to be more upbeat and greet her and the kids when they come home and see what response I get, it is usually reciprocated in a positive fashion.
The bedroom issue, I will let it go another night and see what happens, then I will talk to her like you recommended telling her that she doesn't value the marriage and this is the marital bed and I feel uncomfortable with her sleeping in MY bed!
Believe me, I like the fact that I have the ability to show emotion, my dad and grandpa never showed any, ever! I don't think it's healthy to keep that bottled up. I only fear that through all this I will be unwilling for anyone in the future get that close to me to see that side of me. I feel this is hardening me to what my dad is.
The WW?? She is not on anything other than popping Tylenol like mad because of the headaches she now has all the time and the antacids because of the hole in the pit of her stomach for the guilt that she must be feeling! There is a history of Bi-Polar Schizophrenia in her immediate family. This family member started to get diagnosed around the same age, lately I have wondered if this has anything to do with our situation. If she really needs help I hope her IC sees it. I still have a long way to go, I hope I can get through this on the shiny side!!
