You guys aren't going to believe this 5

[EastTN]

But my heart just wants to believe in the things W texts me. She is telling me all the things I have waited so long to hear. She is even owning up to her sh*t, which isn't like her.

I know I must keep moving forward and I am. It's just hard not to look back and think about some of the good memories.

Keep listening to your head, and not your heart, T. Keep busy, keep moving, and remember that no matter what happens, your future is going to be brighter than your past.

[Thornton]

Thanks, everyone.

Big text convo with W last night. She came out and asked me outright if I would ever consider moving to where she is. I told her no, maybe during my retirement years (20 years from now).

She is making herself sick with worry about everything. She's panicing that I will find someone new and forget about her and D.

What a 180 from how she was acting right after she dropped the bomb.

When she's texting me this stuff, sometimes I start to get mad. Perhaps this is how the WAS feels when the LBS starts making changes that are deemed too late?

I definately can see her trying to get me say and/or commit to things that will make her feel better but I refuse. My job is to take care of me and I keep my cards close to my chest.

But that doesn't negate the fact that I really miss her and I do still love her and D.

I'll keep moving forward in the meantime. I know that healing isn't a linear process. Sometimes I will feel really good and detached and other days I will feel down and out.

[JRuss]

From your sig:

Time from BD1 to "back": 2 mos.
Time from BD2 to "back": 3.5 to 4 mos.
Time from BD3 to present: 3.5 mos.

You are playing it correctly this time in not rushing back in.

[Sotto]

Hi Thornton, I'm sorry to hear about the continuing contact from her - I can see that must be hard when you are trying to heal and move forward. I see the contact from her as ongoing dysfunction on her part - I mean, she dumped you, moved 1000 miles away - and is now worrying you may forget about her and find someone else....well what would you be expected to do in all the circumstances - exactly that! So, I'm sure she has good reason to worry - but she did make her own bed after all. It is good that she is seeing a therapist, but TBH seeking such reassurances from you at this point isn't reasonable given all circumstances. Be careful that you aren't getting too drawn in to her world...

I'm more concerned about your own progress being impacted - and you may want to consider going 'cold turkey' from the contact for a bit if this isn't working for you. It is evident from your posts above, that you have no intention of moving to where she is. So, until or unless she has done significant work and makes a decision to move back - etc. - all is just as it was. (I say significant because you have been around the loop more than once, and so I don't believe anything less than that would really suffice.)

I would have a good think about how you can keep moving towards a full and happy life for yourself, and work very much on the basis that you and she may never reconcile. She is gone and may not be back. Now if she is back at some point - well you could have a rethink then - but that time isn't here yet - and may or may not ever come. Are you still seeing an IC yourself and working on the areas you wanted to look at?

Try and keep your focus on you as much as you can and set some boundaries on the contact. For me, I took that email account off my phone and it was freeing that XH stopped being able to reach me wherever and whenever. I only checked the account on my terms when I was home and could use my iPad. It was a simple step, but it did me a lot of good - of course XH never even knew...

Keep moving forward my friend - you know what you need to do..

[cadence]

Hey Thornton,

I'm growing concerned for you. I don't think it's healthy for you to be having a "big text convo" with W. You were together for a while, and she knows how to tug on your heartstrings. You've seen the tears and the regret before. You have "fixing" tendencies, so that was enough for you.

Now you know better and it's the same old story, except she feels entitled to you physically moving closer to her after she ended your relationship and ran away for unclear reasons. That is ludicrous on her part. I'm glad you're not entertaining it, but I'd like to see some sign of frustration on your end for the entitlement to your life, time, and heart when she's repeatedly chosen to take you for granted and treat you poorly.

The reason I'm concerned for you is you seem to just accept that this is how it is now, and you have to take these texts. I'm concerned because you're not frustrated at this somewhat absurd behavior on her part. Who does what she's doing, T? Would you accept this sort of behavior from a male friend? It's not your job to fix W (which you seem to know), but it's also not your job to tolerate whatever she wishes to throw your way.

I would love to see you shift out of this "In what way is W going to try to hold onto me today?" period because I think it's holding you back. I give you full credit for not feeding into her pleas for reassurance, but I think just seeing these messages from her over and over is so tempting/reassuring for you that it might stunt the amount that you grow.

Maybe you need to grow into a life that eventually incorporates a woman that isn't W, and this incessant texting does not allow for you to create the emotional space for a new person. I think that's her goal here, and I think it is incredibly unfair to you and I'd like to see some outrage emerge from you.

There is nothing more that needs to be said from your end, and there's nothing more - in the short term - that could possibly make a difference from her end.

Would you ever block her so you can get some peace? I'd really start considering it, for your own sake.

She'd always know your address, and how to reach your family, should she ever reach a point of compelling growth. In the short term, what she's doing is nothing new, and it is most likely keeping you stuck, even if you don't realize it. I would like to see an empowered you that lives a life free from W, for your own sake. If she comes back someday having made some real growth, and having lost her entitlement to you and your time, you can consider it then.

[Sotto]

Hi Thornton, I'm just looking in on you to see how you are doing my friend? I notice you haven't posted in a little while....do let us know how you are getting along when you get chance....

[Thornton]

Hey Sotto - I'm still here. I haven't been posting on my thread very much because there's not a lot to report.

Ive started a new job search as I decided I need a new challenge so Ive been applying and interviewing some.

I'm still working on GAL, and working out and biking.

In regards to W, she texted me a few days ago blaming me for "single handedly destroying our family". The week prior, she was owning up to her issues and admitted that she was pretty impulsive when she decided to end our relationship. That struck a nerve for me and I told her I didn't have time to listen to her spew and blame and ended the text convo. Haven't heard from her since.

I stay in contact with D. We usually text once or twice a week and send each other funny animal pictures. I miss her terribly.

Things could definately be a lot worse and I try to remind myself of that. I also have been working on just believing that everything will work out the way its supposed to and I will find happiness again one day soon.

Thanks for checking in Sotto! Much appreciated!

Thorn

Im still meeting with IC and have been fluctuating between happy, sad and, angry most days. I suppose thats all a part of the healing process and I've been working my anger out in the gym which has been helpful.

I definately miss having a partner to do things with. But I have also enjoyed my alone time and getting comfortable in my own skin again.

[EastTN]

Glad to hear that you're doing well, T. Glad to hear that you're staying connected to your D, as well. Hang in there... you're a good man and deserve the best in life.

[cadence]

The week prior, she was owning up to her issues and admitted that she was pretty impulsive when she decided to end our relationship. That struck a nerve for me and I told her I didn't have time to listen to her spew and blame and ended the text convo. Haven't heard from her since.

I'm glad you stuck up for yourself. She's got a great deal of anger toward you but she can't seem to figure out why, and it has not yet occurred to her that would most likely mean her anger is for someone(s) else and she is simply projecting it onto you.

I'd say you got the spew because all her "owning up" was about securing you as an option, and when you failed to follow her trail of crumbs, her anger came out. That would be an indication that she's not actually making the progress you thought she was, as her progress is still self-serving and she isn't owning her actions and choices, and still has no recognition of what she did to you and your life with her choices. She's not remorseful.

I think she also wanted some negative attention from you, since you weren't biting at her bait to give her positive attention. An argument is still a form of attention to her. Knowing that she can get under your skin would tell her that what she thinks still matters to you, so I'm happy to see you simply ended the exchange.

Great job, T!

[25yearsmlc]

Good work Thornton.

Yeah this process of moving forward has lots of detours (backslides? Perhaps)

when I think I've turned a corner, I realize this is a maze with lots of corners.

But over all - yes there is forward movement and it does get easier. Thank God.

((( )))