I second the inspiration part. T, I must admit, when I'm feeling low on motivation and I think of all that you're able to do.
You did what you needed to do. H put his feelings as a priority a long time ago, and that means you must do the same. He's really given you no choice. It's a difficult habit to stop considering their feelings, but logic tells us they already stopped considering ours when they left. The only thing that matters now is you setting up an H free life for you and the boys, assuming that things won't work out, because that is what is best for you.
What you are doing is ok. Not only ok, it is fantastic because you are advocating for yourself and your boys.
I imagine that H will be mad when he gets served. He really wanted to maintain control over you and convince you that he was just trying to get space/think. In other words, he wanted you to sit nicely on the shelf where he placed you, in case his amazing new life doesn't pan out. Be prepared to shut your phone off or do whatever you need to do to not listen to the manipulation he's probably going to serve up to you when he is served. My guess is he's going to try to guilt trip you; that you ruined everything. Do not listen to the mad man. He was hoping you'd help him with his ego such that he could gracefully exit the marriage with few repercussions. He is selfish, and thinks the marital vows only apply to you.
And I am also on board to listen to your L and not tip him off. I think it's adorable that you were laughing about the cats and the box in the garage. That's my T: not letting this selfish man take down your spirit. I tried to do the same before I left the house, because it was a matter of pride. I was not going to give him anything to justify his choices, and I was going to show him I was still the same funny, pretty, kind, and smart person he fell for; it's just none of it was flowing directly toward him anymore.
I was a bit pathetic in setting up something for myself before I went. I had a new outfit, I styled my hair in a new way, and I had a friend texting me repeatedly as I prepared to leave for the evening. I had my phone's ringer on, so my phone kept chirping and I'd pick it up every three or so texts and giggle. I even was rolling my eyes and shaking my head a little bit, because man did this mysterious texter want to talk to me! He sat watching me as I stopped in front of a mirror and primped a bit. I wanted him to see that I was going to be happy no matter what he did, and I wanted to remind him what he was losing. And then I left for the evening and came home late. I was really at a friend's dinner party, but he didn't need to know that.
T, even if things don't eventually work out with H, you are lovely, intelligent, devoted, and funny. Picture a life with the boys having a respectable and emotionally stable stepfather, because that could happen. In fact, start acting like it. You don't need H and other men will pursue you. I'm not saying to get involved or talk to anyone, but simply to let that knowledge boost your spirits and try to have a little fun with this absurd situation. The cats in the boxes in the garage is exactly the type of attitude I'd like to see more of. No matter what H does, you're still T, and you can still have fun and know your value as a woman.
And I'm pretty sure after your second round of this, if/when you start dating, stability and respectability are going to be high on your attraction list. You'd want A Man, one who is not searching for external happiness, one who follows through on commitments and who doesn't randomly leave when he begins to feel empty (and he blames that feeling on you.)
Your mixed feelings and your struggles are natural for where you are in this process. You had spent so long walking on the eggshells that H laid down in front of you.
Please cut yourself a break and be good to yourself. If you have time, maybe sneak out and do something nice for yourself (a new pedicure, or a new outfit) to celebrate overcoming the adversity H has introduced and not only surviving, but thriving.
And don't forget to nurture your spirit, too. You've mentioned PTSD from H's first round, so have you made treating that a priority? You want to be the best you that you can be, if H gets his act together (and he's got a great deal to get together), or if you start dating in the future. Bringing this emotional baggage into a new relationship wouldn't be fair and would increase the possibility that you don't find happiness.
Insecure attracts and is attracted to insecure (manifesting in different ways). Secure attracts and is attracted to secure. You want to be in the latter group to make sure you devote yourself to A Good Man.
H's worst nightmare is losing his perceived sense of control over you, you filing, and - heaven forbid - you realizing that you are a catch and acting as such. You're already working on the first and second (though H doesn't know about the second), so work on the third, too. Do something that makes you feel good and reminds yourself that you are beautiful, and it's too bad H has his selfish blinders on, because once you're a free agent your dance card will be full.
I hope this was helpful. I know you're going to feel down and second guess yourself, and I hope you don't put yourself through that. You had no choice. You're just picking up the pieces of what H chose to destroy.
