Trying to stay above water

[25yearsmlc]

I know I know. No R talks. But I asked H today if the reason he won't talk to the kids is because he wants me to make all the decisions. Even with the divorce itself he won't make a decision. I said i think it because you want me to be the bad person and then you can go around and say I pushed you out. And he said is that right. And I said yes. And he said he was just tired of all the arguiing. And that's what he says all the time. He's tired of the arguing. And that's why he initially left is because of the arguiing.

I believe poor conflict resolution skills is a factor in most divorces when you think about it. And you admit that you do not do conflict resolution in a way that he feels at peace with. So, I'd say take his words at face value until if/when he gives you reason to doubt it.


So could it be just that? He needs the arguing to stop?

In one major study, people were asked what they value most in their spouses.
Women said "security" (presumably financial and physical) and fidelity.

Men said what they most valued in their wives was "physical attractiveness" and "Peace". Fighting can wear people down and shut off emotions.



Any and all confrontation. It can't be that easy.

hen, when you say it "can't be that easy" I really don't get what you mean. Are you saying that you don't have a problem with changing the pattern, or that you have or that it is solved?

I mean, behavioral patterns are hard to break without conscious consistent effort and usually requires new tools. especially when the behaviors are associated with emotions.

Confrontation is not the same as conflict resolution. ALL relationships have conflict, parent/child, siblings, spouses, friends, etc. Some things can slide but most have to be worked out to mutual satisfaction OR one person will not be at peace with the result.

And that means resentment at some point, will arise. Often the "loser" of the conflicts ends up storing up grievances.

Are you in IC?



Any one else have experience like this?

Early in our marriage neither h nor I knew how to fight fair. We had terrible "attack & then retreat" models from our parents. We knew we had to fix that dynamic or end up like our parents.

For reasons unrelated, I attended a personal growth workshop that was profoundly life changing for me. Among the many important things I learned was much more lasting effective conflict resolution.

it was especially useful to learn these methods in calm times, b/c the tools were way more natural to use later on during times of heated conflict.

Anyhow, a few months after seeing changes in me, h decided to attend it. The most loving years of our marriage were the 15 years that followed the workshop. I wish we had gone back a few years ago, but that is water under the bridge. (FWIW it's called Essential Experience or "EE" and it's in Philadelphia. Some DBers have attended and they each found it powerful as well).

All I'm saying is that your H seems to believe you are in a rut of arguing. You need new tools. He thinks that if you two still fight at work, which is where he sees you, then he expects the same pattern at home. That is a reasonable belief, don't you think?

Typically, we tell the LBSers to use the time they have with WASs well. Think of things like kid drop offs, or mutual friend's events, sporting things of the kids, etc.

^^^Those are opportunities to show change. To show that the dynamic can improve.

& This dynamic can change.

Since you work together, in some ways you have a lot more of a chance to show change

but it can be easier to revert to what you know, which isn't helpful obviously.

Just know that when we repeat the same destructive behaviors, we hurt the cause.

So Hen, if he were to return home, what do you think would be different/better than before?

I'm Not saying this is "your fault". I'm just trying to brainstorm with you.

And He's not here trying to stay married.