Here again part 12

[25yearsmlc]

Oh and before I forget.... I can't file for support without filing D....


I'm not detached enough to want D. Divorce is NOT what I want but it's what I have to do to get an order for support.

Do you all feel this is the best choice for me to file even though it's not what I want? I know it's what H wants right now and I guess it would be releasing the rope but I would solely be filing because I need $$

I do not care a whit about what your h wants or thinks he wants.

Stop the mind reading b/c it gets you nowhere. Trust only his actions...


Needing money is why many people file. Like a LOT.

My h went off to Alaska saying HE did "not want a divorce"..and God knows I did not.

But then he left and cut off the joint checking account with our marital cash...again I did not want to divorce.

But i had $700 and I had just gotten out of the hospital for adult onset seizures/epilepsy. I was in such a haze with the zapped brain and new medications that I really did not appreciate the extent of his $h1t until my family kept calling and howling at me to "see a L asap!" We had moved 10 months earlier to a new area FOR H's job. So I knew 2 people.

So I saw a L, and told him everything and my fear was mostly that I was simply screwed and would have to "ask" h for money to get any (but I got radio silence when I did ask)

So that led me to file 3 days later (4 days after h left).

2 of my sisters flew out to pack me, along with my older kids driving up with some LA friends too. BIL drove me and my dog, cross country in a moving van...and I moved into my sister's basement with my dog for 4 months. Now I have a condo near the subway in case I have another seizure and can't drive again, (for 3 years if I have a seizure while on medication).

To reiterate

I did not want a divorce. H SAID he did not want a divorce. Just needed to "reboot the marriage (& other times blurted out that he knew and I should "know" that I'd "come running up to Alaska in a year"....) I suspect h wanted me as a back up plan or he wanted to explore OW and an adventure and probably told himself he was being FAIR and was forced to do this b/c he was unhappy.

BTW He never once told me he was miserable or unhappy or wanted counseling or anything indicating dissatisfaction in the m. Not once. We had a good sex life too. I So yeah, I was reeling for a long time.

Of course I NOW see things I did not see then, but that is another story.

So no I did not want a divorce or to lose the dreams I had of us growing old together and ME finally getting "my turn" and us traveling with our 2 pensions and nest egg

Only to now be financially strapped or screwed?

OMG I felt SO vulnerable. At the time I filed I did not know about any OW.

if I had known back last autumn, there would have been zero hesitation. And little conscious hope for a recon - b/c I'd know deep deep down, that I'd be unable to piece after a second ordeal. I mean, in theory maybe...

T3 Listen...
I NEVER suspected my h was capable of this type of treatment, (and to my knowledge he never behaved this way before). For me there were too many red flags.

Your h has a history and you are financially vulnerable in a way that only gets addressed by filing (in your state anyhow).

You have an openly "done" h, who is seeing OWs, who randomly rotates through the home,

And who whines about not having enough money to "have any fun" (ding ding ding!! Money alert & Kids at risk..)

T3 even without the boundaries and self respect that are factors in filing, I believe you have to for your financial well being and your sons

It could be argued that without an agreement (which Florida doesn't really have without filing for Div)

it'd be irresponsible of you to ignore the financial red flags. It would be very risky to your boys to keep taking a chance on this.

You said your h spent a lot of money on OW1 last time. Thus, It's not as if you are not forewarned about his spending habits.

And now you have another son who will cost money to support.

I honestly see no option for you and I don't think I'm projecting.

PS

1/3 of divorces filed in CA are never completed. Presumably many of the ones who fade out do so b/c they reconcile.

I do not believe you can reconcile with your h anytime soon...Not saying it's impossible. I always think there is hope and with a lot of time for you to heal (calmer, less reactive)

and your h to unscrew his brain and reattach it, (to get distance and time for him to SEE the grass is not greener AND for him to do some real work, which he clearly skimmed last go round ) who knows? Couples do remarry their exes, but usually it's a few years down the road. Which makes sense.

So I would prepare to handle yourself with as much dignified confidence as possible, and move forward.