As adults we know that we don't always get to make decisions based on what we want. I think if that were the case, none of us would be here.
I'm very concerned that a guy who buys boats, motorcycles, goes to more concerts in a month than I've been to in my life can't pay an electric bill. That would be sending shock waves through me.
You've said he's paying you less than you are entitled to. You like your lawyer. When we hire a professional, one of the things we do often is to defer to their opinion and their advice. Now that you have a lawyer you like, you have to decide if you are willing to do that.
I think you want your H to wake up, if he's going to, and feel the consequences of the actions he took. Of the stories on this board of men who came back I think Train and Blu are most telling. They are both tough love ladies. I believe from reading their posts that both of their Hs knew, without a doubt, that those fine ladies were moving on.
I've read a lot of Sandi's stuff. Sandi is also a tough lover. She talks a lot about the loss of respect these folks feel for their partner.
I don't see any respect at all in the way your H treats you. I don't see that you have demanded any respect for yourself. I would be curious to see if that would change your situation. Even if it did not, I have observed that the people who take control of the situation and guide the course of their actions tend to be happier with their situations than those of us who sit nicely by, biding our time, paving the way home, being the lighthouse, letting them eat cake, and standing.
I am going to say this for your benefit (and 25s who I am sure is going to see this), I wish that I had done things differently. I wish I had filed for divorce in 2011 when I learned about the emotional affair. I wished I had filed for divorce in 2013 when I got ILYBINILWU. I wish I had filed for divorce in 2015 when I learned about his online profiles. And I sure as H8ll wish I had filed for divorce in January 2016 when I learned about his PA. I am a super strong, independent, financially-secure, hardass who litigates for a living. I lost all my self-respect and his respect.
Now as it turns out my L is telling me not to file for D now, but my circumstance is quite a bit different with my H's narcissism, high income, and history of providing well for me and the kids. What she has drilled into my head is to stop being afraid. To stop waiting for him to agree. To stop waiting for him to be ready. And to start taking decisive action, including moving far away without telling him first.
T the only thing worse than losing your marriage is losing your self respect. The good thing is, you can get it back. Will your H turn around? Who knows. But I've seen you describe him as weak and easily influenced by others. Not attractive. I've seen you refer to his incessant lies. Not attractive. I've seen you describe his laziness. Not attractive.
Seems to me like a guy with a good income who spends every penny he has and couldn't make a sound financial decision to save his life. Seems like a guy who runs off every time life isn't fun because of, you know, stuff like responsibility.
You are this amazingly compassionate, intelligent, driven, successful woman who can do more in a day than I do in a week. Man I wish I had your energy and your drive. Why in god's name would you want to be with this loser?
Is it history? Here's the thing about history, it tends to repeat itself barring dramatic change. Has this guy changed? Doesn't sound like it. Is he seeking out the help he needs? Doesn't sound like it. Is he planning out his new and happier life? I don't think so.
My daughter, then 16, came to me and said mom I've lost respect for you for allowing this man to treat you like this. Do not do this on my behalf and do not do this on my brother's behalf. I did not kick him to the curb until this girl said please make him leave. He is making our lives miserable. Please don't make your sons come to you some day and tell you something like that.
If there is a man of character and/or substance in there somewhere, he will find his way out of this and do the right thing. If there isn't, he will keep circling the drain.
Read the stories of the folks whose spouses didn't come back. Some of the posters I respect the most fall into that category. These people, some with kids and some without, rediscovered their self-respect, most are in relationships that they describe as superior and have so much insight into what went wrong, and why, and what they did and/or didn't do.
Divorce or no divorce, do you want to keep living the life you have or do you want something better for yourself and your kids? If you keep on the path you are you'll probably still be here years from now talking about separation 3, 4, 5, etc. because you'll take him back the first time he waivers or gets afraid. Or, you can be a Train or a Blu who owned their power and saved their marriages against all hope, or an Accuracy or Another Stander, a 25, a job, a Cadet, a kml, a peacetoday, etc., who found a different kind of life that brought them knowledge, peace, confidence, respect, etc. Only you can make these choices.
