Here again part 12

[25yearsmlc]

Hi everyone,

thanks for reaching out at the advice. Wounded - my mom ordered a new lock set but I am waiting to do this per legal advice.

I saw a L today, going to file for D. paid a partial retainer just to get it filed and get the emergency support court dates set. I told her to give me a few days to finish the semester, spend some time with the kids before I go back to work next week, and next week I will get her all the information, that my heart needs to catch up with my brain and absorb everything.

please DO get her the paperwork. It has been a source of procrastination on my part that costs me more money actually. And it's obviously an example of me not getting my $hit together fast enough. It's pretty empowering once you know there's no homework hanging over your head.


She wants me to file, have him served, and not tell him it's coming. So that's my plan.
She said i should have a conversation with him that is light and does not make him think I have retained legal advice.

This^^^ is the plan. **Do not divert yourself (which is what the spinning is, a diversion and a sapper of your energy, and a self inflicted increase in your heart ache).


Something along the lines of H, this isn't working for either of us right now and I think it would be best for everyone if you were found your own living arrangements. I would like you out by next Friday, I will be changing the locks at that point.

I will be getting more money based on figures than he is paying now.

so can you see that the fear you had of him paying LESS, was not warranted and thus, there may be other fears you have that are equally unwarranted.

Just a gentle "hey, teaching point here"...


She is very matter of fact and no BS... and she said H is obviously going to come out ahead because he makes a lot more money than he did coming into the relationship but that she knows I will be good in the long run.

well, to be clear, he makes more money than you, and in that sense he "comes out ahead" financially. But the marriage is where his income increased - so he did not bring it into the marriage, he grew it inside the m. So some of it will be coming to you for X number of years.

You being "good in the long run" is what matters now. Really it's all that matters.

If he wins the lottery 3 years from now, that will not take food off your table. If he has a flat tire, your car won't increase in value. His "misery/happiness index" is not connected to yours.

He is going to be irrelevant.



I was doing good today until I got a text from H and I realize I am not detached enough.

T3, no you are not detached. To me, this is a conversation in which you give him all the power. I don't get it.


H; I am going to my parents Wed Aug 24 to Mon Aug 29.
M: Are you taking the boys?

**(T3, how about "h, are you ASKING me if you can take the boys?" -and if this is out of state, he will always need to ask you, btw).

H: No, they have school
H: I was planning on going by myself this time and I will take them the following month up there for my bday weekend


First, if he's not taking them, why even inform you of this trip? Who cares?

Second your h certainly has a sense of entitlement. IF I were still married and together with h, I would have checked with him about this^^. Not "announce" his trip next month taking the boys out of school and wherever.... Set some boundaries with this guy (AFTER you file).

M: Ok, it is okay if they miss school if they want to go.
H: Well now I'm not even sure if I'm going to go, plus I don't have a lot of money so I may not go and since I don't have a lot of money I won't be doing anything fun.


OMG what a whining baby man/boy, He realizes during the conversation that it's not consistent with his "I'm too poor to pay much" narrative. Oops.

I didn't reply.
I know what he's doing.

I can feel your pain accelerating now. It Does NOT matter what he's doing if it's not involving the boys. Seriously, ALL the stuff below that I crossed through, is you spinning and going down the rabbit hole with no happy exit. There's no tunnel to joy in this exercise of yours and it's totally self inflicted at this point.


He bought concert tickets for a big country star (Who we see EVERY year for our anniversary together) and going for the concert. He is not going to stay with his parents. I wanted to SCREAM. I am SO SO SO sick of this. I am sick of feeling like this. That he is just free as a bird to go sleep with and engage in relationships with whomeever he wants while I'm left to pick up the pieces of our life and care for our children.

I really don't know anymore. I feel so so lost. I feel back at square one and I know it's just an overwhelming day with lack of sleep from last night, feeling like I screwed last night up,

Screwed up what last night ?? You mean how you told him you are "not stupid"? Let that go. Truly, let it go.

No one said you failed or screwed it up. We said you were making it worse for YOU.
Let it go, and get some sleep. That's probably the best way for your parents to help you at the moment. Care for the kids so you can nap.

I barely recall the first 6 months of each child's life b/c I was too exhausted to think or remember.


My heart and brain are fighting each other. I feel like this is it, once I file he's gone forever and I am eliminating all chances of him coming back.


Stop this^^^thinking. You just said he gets to go wherever he wants and leaves you to pick up the pieces and raise the boys alone. That is what is happening now.

Filing Is the only chance you have of him coming back. I swear I believe that. It's not why I think you should file, it's simply a possible benefit. This is not about punishing him. it is about saving yourself and your sons and MAYBE getting him to see a consequence of his choices.

He is eating so much cake right now, and seems he likes it! The only course of action you have to save your marriage is also the safe course of action for your sons and yourself!

IN that respect, your situation is CLEAR...there are no "better choices". As it is now, the situation is making you insane AND He's not improving or waking up. It's just the opposite.

Are you really wondering if you could just BE MORE LOVING, then he'd wake up?

Is that ^^ your question? Now that you see it in writing, what do you think?


And yes yes yes, I know he *IS* gone and I know filing is a piece of paper. But like my family has said me ignoring him and leaving him alone has allowed him to act even more crazy.

you have not "ignored" him for more than a few days and like I said, he pulled this crap when things were good and building to a 3rd child. This is SO not about you.

Your h has an established pattern.

Second, please stop taking polls with your family and just put your hand up when they comment in ways that are all about mind reading of your h.

Tell them you are doing the best you can and Drop it.


He hasn't once gone to another woman's house until lately, and then coming and going with no communcation. Also no texting me asking about dinner or that he's on his way here. I mean it's worse and worse each week more and more distance.



Stop pretending you can control any of what he does. That is key - dropping the rope.

You are continuing to try and decode this and to plan YOUR reactions to him. UGH

He's doing exactly what he did last time, vacations, concerts all with his new GF... I mean there apparently is many more than 1. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around that this is what he wants.


I will post this quote to you often, I guess.

"ENDLESS WONDERING IS ENDLESS SUFFERING." - Caroline Myss

Jack3beans was a veteran poster here, (a great man btw, RIP) used to say


**I hope the LBS realizes that many of the 'why' questions they absolutely think they have to have an answer too...they really do not. Everyone dies with unanswered questions, but that doesn't prevent us from living. Why should these.

In many cases the MLC answers are NOT good enough for the LBS anyway, so they keep digging, and damage any repairs that have been made.

Stop asking.


I just want to know there is hope he is going to change his mind.

the problem here^^^ is 2 fold. Obviously we cannot know, though most of us probably feel he will regret his choices. I do believe that.

But the second bigger problem is what YOU would do with his regrets, assuming he informed you of them.

For him to do this a second time means he never really wrapped HIS brain around the pain he inflicted on you or your older, aware, son.

So he's unlikely to grasp the magnitude of said pain.

Hurting the people who love you the most is just a terrible thing to do, let alone twice.

I Still, I struggled with the same question and the gross injustice of it all. The exponentially higher income my MD h earns, the pristine resume he has which I enabled him to get

while my resume has gaping holes in it - in which I was a SAHM instead of a law firm partner.
Now my career is starting over...

So I understand your pain. It is not fair. That is just true.

My concern for you is that even if we somehow "knew" your h would want back into the m in a year, or a week or a month, AND behaved consistently with that want,

etc.

is how you could still end up where I am. 10 years post "reconciliation" and then, being here again.

Now I'm 57 and my career issues are numbing, my dating prospects are a lot fewer and not as appealing to me as they were a decade ago.

-

I wish you all could meet with me IRL and shake some sense into me.

So please don't get frustrated with me. I am having a really bad day. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. THe L today said she has no idea how I'm doing this all

you have deep wells of resilience which are inspiring. Seriously. Truly.
\


and she told me there is a special place for people like my H. Good news is she said it won't take 90-120 days. She said we will have a court date within 30 days. She said she will offer him to continue to pay what he is paying or we can go in front of a judge and he risk paying more.

Very good!

So tonight should I have this conversation with him? Should I ask to meet somewhere outside of the home?

***DING DING Whoah NO. You have a plan - and it's not about talking tonight. PLUS you are not in emotional shape for this talk.


I think tonight it may seem like I am having the conversation out of retaliation of him going to visit his family and not taking the kids. I can wait until tomorrow night depending what you guys think is best.

What's the rush given that you are filing soon? The L said to tell him in advance but why tonight or tomorrow?

Geez, T3, do you ever play poker? Time to keep your cards to yourself. It won't be long.

And just say, like cadence said,

H, you have left and made it clear you do not want to be married anymore. It's time we set a schedule for childcare. I am not comfortable with I don't want you sleeping on the couch especially coming in late at night. I hope that you will

You need to find a suitable environment to take the boys to. Until you do, you can have the boys every other weekend and can return them here to sleep at night.

Question is, Do I go ahead and drop the bomb of everything I know or wait til a later time? I struggle with needing to tell him I know about this concert and that it's the exact same behavior as last time.


You struggle b/c you feel duped. Silence says a lot on it's own and you'll never regret it.

Plus the cat will be out of the bag soon enough.

Your need for "showing him" how smart you are is not a good reason to undermine potential legal arguments later.

I am so sick of my dad telling me that I need to stop acting like there's a chance he's coming back. That he was never coming back since I found out about the flowers.

It is so discouraging to hear and really hurts me that nobody in my life has hope that he will snap out of this.

People who tell you this^^ are well meaning. Remember that. If needed, tell them you are not ready to hear their opinions.

I learned a few months ago that h posted on FB that OW was the "love of his life."

let ^^^that sink in....

thank God my family did not tell me when he posted that b/c I might have gone nuts. At least I know i've never once blasted him publicly OR to his face or by text. No fb stalking.

H can fume all he wants and blame shift all he wants (and will, I assume). But to those who know both of us, I THINK his words ring hollow.

my sister said not a single mutual friend commented or liked his pics of OW and him "introducing the "new honey' to his family". His family did not mean our children btw.

There's been no contact between our children and h for nearly 7 months when he introduced" her. IOW the fb posts are not reflections of the truth.

And even if they were, I just cannot care b/c it hurts too much and seems so crazy, that has jettisoned my detachment efforts forward.

Can you let that work for you?



I just don't want to do this anymore. I want to climb in a hole and hide. I don't know why I deserve this again.

who said you "deserve" this? Um, no one. $h1tty things happen to a lot of people. My "takes care of her health" friend has multiple myeloma & lost her well paying job the same month.

Another dear friend lost her 22 y/o son to undiagnosed cardiac myopathy. He was a baseball player on his way to an interview, who collapsed in the parking lot at college.

Did he deserve it? Did my friend? Of course not. You were not chosen by God to suffer injustice.

You may be given more inner peace, strength and guidance if you are open to it, but this dishonesty from your h is NOT an indictment of you.

Your h is not the hero and you are not the villain.

Thanks to everyone for listening, I know it's rough to read the same garbage.

at some point you will get tired of feeling the same garbage. I do hope you re-read the posts people write to you.

Because there is comfort to be found there. You are not alone.