WW claims ended A...where to go from here?

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=canseco]thank you so much...you do make an awful lot of sense..

the hardest thing is the "laissez-faire" thing...let her figure out if she even wants to work on things...and if yes, that she will figure out what's needed...it goes against your instincts...

it is not truly laissez faire la la land, in that You are supposed to be doing something. You are working on you. What does that mean to you? Are you in IC yet?

I am not sure I've heard you mention a single NEW activity or club or group or hobby you are taking up. You must detach and imo, there's no way to detach without GAL.

Have you read the DR book? It's a must and if you have not read it yet, can you explain what the hold up is? Not hammering you about it but asking you to ask yourself why it has not happened. I assume it hasn't b/c SOME of your questions indicate unfamiliarity with DB concepts, that's all.

It's not that long a book, btw. Very doable.

Don't scrutinize her words or behavior. Do not make her your focus. Have zero expectations that the interaction will lead to anything, then.

YOU are your focus. You are upbeat in front of the WAS, even if the interchange is 3 minutes...that's all YOU have anyhow, b/c you have to be on your way to the new interesting person(s) you're meeting up with and doing fun things with, in exciting new places...

This way you won't be posting here about how sad you were that the WAS "Didn't even ask me to join her watching a video/went running” or 'didn't want to come with me..."

* SO Let her soak in the new you. Meaning, Do NOT expect her to notice AND comment quickly, about a new behavior in you.

The "math" of it is this:

consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.


There are things about the new you that she will not have figured out yet or come to trust is real and lasting…

If there's an affair partner, that's also very distracting & will delay realizations on their end.

Like a ship headed for an iceberg, sometimes the "Get a Divorce NOW!" momentum is hard to redirect or stop.

Again, it takes TIME.

SO Make the most of the time. The KEY to Detachment is GAL.

Without GAL, you are very likely to obsess yourself into depression or desperation, and that's not a good place to be. Indeed...

Again, we hammer GAL here b/c as I said, it works.

Please give yourself this week to call and join something or sign up for a class or coach or play on an adult team.

SOMETHING new to bring to your own table - for you. The inner changes can happen from external activities and then behaviors change more...outside in, versus inside out.

Too many people here want to "feel like it FIRST" and frankly, it's part of the way WAS's think too. They won't recommit until they "feel like it" but they won't DO what it takes to feel like it.

You can model this^^.



IF you can get her to Retrovaille, go. It's a marriage retreat designed for marriages in crisis, usually with one or both partners seriously considering divorce.

It will not hurt - positively not hurt your m, (unlike some MC's) and religion is not pushed on you, although the Catholic church created it.

Other than this, I would Not ask her to do anything FOR the M UNTIL

IF/WHEN she says she wants to "make it work/try/reconcile"

THEN you get out the To Do list for reconciling. Meanwhile you do you.




...you're right, it's still not clear that's what she wants..

Correct. So you need to become the guy she fell in love with, become a man only a fool would leave, AND prepare yourself for your w to be a fool.



...i had her move out of the MBR and she has been sneaking into my bed in the middle of the night...I'm not really comfortable with that..should I tell her how I feel?


No don't tell her how you feel. In this situation, you talking about your feelings esp after the fact
is not appealing or strong. It'll come across as needy and weak. (Sorry).

You "had her move out of the MBR" means what?

as for her "sneaking into bed"...ask your DB coach about it. Being an a$$ is never productive, and rejecting her more now, is probably going to be more of the same old.

She believes (with some validity) that she was denied/rejected by you for years and
that's the obstacle you have in motivating her to want a reconciliation.

OTOH you don't want her to cake eat.

So, what's your DB coach say? (I may be mistaken but I believe you said you hired one. They are well worth it, btw. Very specific in their advice but you can ask them to review your situation before the call so you don't spend the whole time catching them up.
*IF You have to catch them up, start with the SSM part, and then go into the affair(s) - b/c that's a huge factor in your situation. )

Also to refresh my memory, you said you suspected your w was having an affair before this one, and she has now admitted that.

But the M remained sex starved, for about the past 5 years correct? So I'm Curious why you did not think intimacy needed to change, given your suspicions.

Were you only motivated to work on the m since she admitted having affairs or not knowing if she wanted to be married or what? I'm not trying to make you feel worse.

I am curious b/c if she sees your behavior in the past - as an indifference to OMs, she may genuinely be surprised at your present reaction.


she wants to rely on my support for her problems at work...and I have always been a huge supporter of her..so it's hard for me to give her the cold shoulder but it seems necessary at this point.. correct?

No. You really need to read a Div Busting or Divorce Remedy book asap. The cold shoulder is Nowhere in the books and it's not a part of this approach.

detachment is not indifference

...so far..in terms of GAL, I realize I may have been depressed for awhile but kind of thought acknowledging that would be an excuse.


Well, it's something your w has had to cope with as your spouse, and it's probably an underlying problem that has polluted things between you two. I think it's legitimate to seek help for it and admit that, (not in a dramatic way expecting a reaction but b/c you are having an awakening about being happier and content in YOUR LIFE)

and then she'd know at least one piece of the marriage problems is being addressed. Otherwise why would she expect the marriage to improve?

are you directly addressing the depression or solely relying on exercise to heal?

Why not also see an IC/Therapist? Or an MD to rule out thyroid problems or other physical issues? Couldn't they also play a role in your marital history?





..and have begun to exercise daily, first thing before doing anything (I remember Tony Robbins talking about "getting disturbed" and have your runners right next to your bed)..it turns out, that single action has made me feel immensely better...I see immediate results...

good!

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