I thought I posted this already, but it isn't showing up. Are all new posts reviewed by the mods before being posted?
I've been married for 25 years, with one 18 year old son who's about to go off to college next month. I'm disabled. I worked in IT for years, and then started having disabling chronic pain. My husband told me in January that he no longer loved me, wasn't attracted to me anymore. He denied having an affair initially. I was devastated, to say the least. I knew things were bad. I was pretty sure he was cheating on me. We hadn't had sex in about 6 months. He came clean about his affair about 2 weeks later. He'd been sleeping with a woman at work. He agreed to break it off and go to counseling. We went for about 4 months. He never did anything the counselor recommended, and has refused to change. I had asked him to be more demonstrative, more romantic. He'd been acting like he was single for months, going out without telling me he was leaving, and generally being insensitive.
He'd cut off sex and affection again recently, and I confronted him on it last night. He said physically it was fine, but there was no emotional connection. I wonder why, when he refuses to rebuild my trust or any real intimacy. I told him I was going to house sit for my friend for a week, that I wanted an answer from him if he had any intention of changing.
My emotions are all over the place. I almost hate him right now, but at the same time I'm desperate for his,love and affection. What do I do?
Amy
H:44 W:46 M: 26 years in Nov DS: 18 01/2017 ILYBINILWY still technically together H: MLC
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I see you now have threads here and in MLC, my suggestion is to do the homework in both forums(my initial post that I gave you here and Job gave you there.
We hadn't had sex in about 6 months. He came clean about his affair about 2 weeks later. He'd been sleeping with a woman at work. He agreed to break it off and go to counseling. We went for about 4 months. He never did anything the counselor recommended, and has refused to change. I had asked him to be more demonstrative, more romantic. He'd been acting like he was single for months, going out without telling me he was leaving, and generally being insensitive.
I'm curious, did he ever indicate he was interested in saving the M? I mean he was engaging in an A and went to counseling but made zero effort. It sounds like he is completely checked out, so I'm wondering why you think you can make those demands on him to be more romantic and demonstrative?
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He'd cut off sex and affection again recently, and I confronted him on it last night.
I'm trying to piece this together- you didn't have sex for 6 months during which he was having an A, then you started up again at some point, and now it's off again? Sounds to me like he may be back with OW, or with a new OW. Do you suspect that?
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He said physically it was fine, but there was no emotional connection. I wonder why, when he refuses to rebuild my trust or any real intimacy.
Whenever a M is trying to recover from an A, the affair partner is the one that needs to do all the work. They need to show they are truly invested in saving the M. Your H clearly is not.
Quote:
I told him I was going to house sit for my friend for a week, that I wanted an answer from him if he had any intention of changing.
Why did you leave the house? You should have asked him to leave.
Quote:
My emotions are all over the place. I almost hate him right now, but at the same time I'm desperate for his,love and affection. What do I do?
Read DR. Get a DB coach if you can afford it, they're very helpful. Pull back, quit pursuing, quit pressuring. Give him time and space. Go back home. Keep posting!
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
