Not sure how to start this......I have just recently found this site, read a lot (this site and the DR book) and have a question on whether or not to try the 180 or the LRT. A little bit of my SITCH....
Many of my W complaints are valid about our M. Although there isn't any EA or PA with either of us (that i know of) I haven't been emotionally supportive, at times demeaning/disrespectful, quick to anger, and not very compassionate in the last many years. I have acknowledged and accepted that i need to attend IC and have done so since the BD.
September of 2016, my W stated we need to see a MC and that moving forward with our M depended on it. I hesitated at first but ultimately made us an appointment. We went to 6 MC sessions before she left the MC session in tears. The MC stated that we should both see IC before attempting MC again. We both agreed to do so. My W went to IC right away. I hesitated, thinking it hasn't helped me in the past. My failure to act i believe forced her hand of the BD.
Since the BD my W stated she needs time and space. I have worked away from home for the last 4 years due to distance so i would normally be gone for four days and three nights most weeks. My W stated if we could maintain status quo with this schedule we could continue cohabitation. The first month and a half since the BD I was doing everything wrong; i.e. pleading, clingy, promises of change, etc. My W has said that she doesn't see a way for our M to work and our M is unhealthy. I recently accepted a job transfer closer to home which would allow me the ability to go home more. Obviously, this was not good news for her. She said if i planned on being home more someone will have to move out. I decided not to press the issue and told her i would put her needs in front of my own and continue staying at work on the days she requested. I'm finding this to be really difficult but am doing it.
I am having a really hard time.... I know i have to detach, GAL and continue to work on me, for me but i am having a difficult time doing so. When i'm home the SITCH is awkward but somewhat enjoyable. We still do things as a family and at times spend some alone time together (nothing intimate).
I tried to keep this as brief as possible (maybe too brief). So, do i try the 180 or LRT? My W has said she doesn't want to work on anything because she has tried for so many years. In essence while reading DR i felt like she was doing the LRT on me.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Since the BD my W stated she needs time and space. I have worked away from home for the last 4 years due to distance so i would normally be gone for four days and three nights most weeks. My W stated if we could maintain status quo with this schedule we could continue cohabitation. I recently accepted a job transfer closer to home which would allow me the ability to go home more. Obviously, this was not good news for her. She said if i planned on being home more someone will have to move out. I decided not to press the issue and told her i would put her needs in front of my own and continue staying at work on the days she requested. I'm finding this to be really difficult but am doing it.
We still do things as a family and at times spend some alone time together (nothing intimate).
IDK, If you can spend more time home, i would. It would fit in with the GAL but put the focus on the kids. You said you are spending time together even if awkward. They say don't believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do and i think thats applicable here. Don't push, maybe try and ask her out and court her again if she eventually accepts. She is the one that wants out remember.
Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10; HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17 Kids Together D4, D1.52 W Moves Out: 03/16/17 W Files : 03/17/17 D Final: 10/23/17
IDK, If you can spend more time home, i would. It would fit in with the GAL but put the focus on the kids. You said you are spending time together even if awkward. They say don't believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do and i think thats applicable here. Don't push, maybe try and ask her out and court her again if she eventually accepts. She is the one that wants out remember.
Thanks for the input @KGuy
I have asked her about why she ignores me during the time I am at work versus when I am at home we do things as a family. She says she is doing it for the kids, which i appreciate. The time we have spent alone has been out of coincidences rather than desire. I will simply text her "good morning, have a good day" and she won't respond at all. I have asked her to dinner even, but she rejected the offer stating she doesn't have the desire to spend one on one time with me.
IDK, If you can spend more time home, i would. It would fit in with the GAL but put the focus on the kids. You said you are spending time together even if awkward. They say don't believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do and i think thats applicable here. Don't push, maybe try and ask her out and court her again if she eventually accepts. She is the one that wants out remember.
Thanks for the input @KGuy
I have asked her about why she ignores me during the time I am at work versus when I am at home we do things as a family. She says she is doing it for the kids, which i appreciate. The time we have spent alone has been out of coincidences rather than desire. I will simply text her "good morning, have a good day" and she won't respond at all. I have asked her to dinner even, but she rejected the offer stating she doesn't have the desire to spend one on one time with me.
Stop the pursuit immediately! Start planning an exciting life without her. If she wants to join this new life fine. If not, you will be just fine without her!
