Yesterday S10 gave W a picture he drew. It was a big angry face with "Don't divorce!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" written at the top. She contained herself when she saw it, but I could tell she was REALLY ticked off. She asked if he gave me one too, and he said no.
Seeing how much pain he's in really got to me. W broke my heart back in April. Now she's breaking it 2 more times with my 2 boys.
She's apparently lying to our kids, telling them that this was the decision of both of us, not just her.
On a lighter note, I'd say I've dropped the rope 100% and completely detached. I don't want her back any more. The selfishness on her part is mind boggling.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
[quote=holding]Yesterday S10 gave W a picture he drew. It was a big angry face with "Don't divorce!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" written at the top. She contained herself when she saw it, but I could tell she was REALLY ticked off. She asked if he gave me one too, and he said no.
Ah yes,, the children! The pain this has caused my kids instantaneously is almost unbearable, it's kills me they are in this much pain. That's why the kids need to know who is responsible for the divorce. I reiterated that point again yesterday. My D11 cries every time she sees me, my S13 was fine until he saw WW and started balling his eyes out while she continues to show ZERO compassion or emotion! S17 doesn't even want to be in the house now, he told me in a text that "I hate mom"! I hope she's happy.
It is easier now to detach with the kids knowing, next step is to tell her to leave the house. Good luck Holding!
I know this situation is horrible. I do question the value of telling the kids that only one parent is responsible for the divorce. Kids need to love and respect both their parents, and should never be put in the middle -- that's too much stress for them. They really had nothing to do with creating the situation, so they shouldn't have to carry the weight of it any more than is absolutely necessary. Reinforcing to the kids that only the WAS wants the divorce undoubtedly makes the LBS feel better, but how does it make the kids feel?
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Not to high jack holding's thread but.... I followed the MWD article about how to talk to the kids when one parent wants out. My WW and I followed this almost verbatim, this was also the advice I received from friends, my therapist, and my lawyer, then my children asked questions! I told my wife no more lies in my house, at least one of us can hold to that. I wasn't going to sit back and take any blame my WW was attempting to spew, she has since told the kids that it was my idea to divorce. They have also asked me if mom and me have cheated. With that I understand not putting the kids in the middle but, there wouldn't be a middle if my WW was faithful and came to me with her problems instead of other men! Sorry Holding!
Thanks Acc and Dusty. This is an important discussion, and I'm happy to have it in my thread.
Acc, I understand your concerns, as I've struggled with the same thing myself. It's so hard to know the right thing to do, and to not second-guess myself here. I think Sandi's story about the LBH and his estranged father really touched me, and I realized that I shouldn't sacrifice my own R with my kids in order to protect W from the fallout of her decision.
Like Dusty said, this is something I've gotten from several different sources. My IC also agreed with me, which I wasn't expecting. I haven't gone into any details with the kids, and I'm not casting aspersions on W, but I've told them this is not what I want, and it was not my decision. When they ask for specific reasons, I direct them to their mother.
I'm not going to get into trying to tell my boys that W is lying to them. I know it's wrong to make them middle men. I just tell them that I love them, they are the most important thing to me, and I'll do everything I can for them.
I think that, with time, they'll also be able to see the truth on their own.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Yesterday I fielded several passive-aggressive comments from W. She set up the boys for school registration and then texted me "You're welcome". I emailed her about a line of credit that I was considering closing, and she responded via text saying "Thanks for thinking I'm going to run up the debt."
I'm also part of a group that occasionally does charity work (this is pre-GAL), and W asked me via text where my event was this weekend. I asked why she needed to know, and she said she was just curious. So I never told her - I suspect she may be trying to find a place to have me served, and I DO NOT want this going down during my charity event. Then at dinner with the boys last night, she started asking me again where my event was. I just had to flat out tell her "I'm not telling you." She got all dramatic, glared at me and slowly shook her head. The boys said I should just tell her, and I told them not to worry about it. So apparently she's not above using the kids to her advantage. Pathetic.
It's weird, this week W has been home for dinner every night. She NEVER does this normally. Does she think she can prove that she's a committed parent at this point, when she hasn't been for YEARS? (Whoa, I just realized I slipped into mind-reading there.)
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
It's weird, this week W has been home for dinner every night.
holding,
My W did the same thing. As soon as I stopped resisting the divorce, she started coming on time everyday.
With regard to being served, you can have all of your divorce documentation go directly to your lawyer. That's what I did and it was nice not to worry about missing any official forms or notices. My lawyer would contact me if there was anything she needed from me.
Thanks, doodler! The faux pas made me chuckle - how appropriate it came from you!
I met with my IC yesterday, and she made me feel good about how I've been handling things with the kids. She reiterated what I've heard from everyone else: I need to do what's best for myself and my kids at this point; the bond I used to share with my wife is gone.
We discussed possibly bringing my boys in to meet and talk with my IC. S14 has seen her previously for some anxiety and ADHD issues, so he knows her (although I'm not sure he wants to talk). I mentioned this to W, and she said she'd like to bring them. I don't know why, except maybe for appearance sake.
When I was filling IC in on our talk with the kids, and how W had zero emotional reaction, IC asked if W is on anti-depressants. I know she's taken them in the past, but I'm not aware that she's on any right now. She definitely could be, though. Is this common, for the WAS to try to dull the emotional pain with anti-depressants?
One thing I don't think I mentioned here - the brownies. When we told the kids, W had brownies in the oven ready for the end of the talk. S14 was so upset that he didn't even want one. My IC couldn't believe that W would do that - try to soothe over the emotional pain with comfort food. Brownies make divorce better, right?
I have a lot of anger right now. I'm angry with W for doing this, for being so selfish. I'm angry that 3 people have to suffer because of her. I'm angry that she's robbed me of the opportunity to teach my kids about the value of marriage.
I feel like I've emotionally backtracked on a lot of the GAL and emotional stability I've been working so hard on. This is all tied to telling the kids. Like I said, my heart is breaking 2 more times for my boys. I suppose this is only normal and probably even healthy to feel bad for them. But I've just reached a point where I want to cut her out of our lives and move on.
I went to the Y with S10 last night. Us being together and trying to have fun feels good, but we both sometimes get sad or have a serious talk. Here's another thing I'm angry about: S10 has started to blame himself for the divorce. Poor guy! I told him this is absolutely not his fault.
W called me to discuss some logistics about the kids yesterday (a call from her feels weird now). Toward the end of the conversation, she asked me if I wanted to talk about anything. I said nope. Then she said, out of nowhere, "I'm sorry." I'm not sure what all that was about, but I just said "okay."
Just to be clear, I have zero hope that anything good for the MR could possibly happen at this point.
(And if you've made it to the bottom of this post, thanks for reading! I know a lot of people come to this forum for signs of hope. I'm sorry I can't offer that right now. I'm honestly a bit down that so many of us come here looking for hope, new people every day. So many hurting people )
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
For me, it was the days prior to my wife moving out that were the worst. I was expecting life after move-out day to be lonely. But actually, after my wife moved out, things were considerably brighter. I'm assume that a lot of that feeling was because I no longer had to walk on eggshells. Hang in there, things do get better so don't lose hope.
I had a lot of anger, but I was generally able to use the anger constructively. I did a lot of home improvements and I think anger provides a boost in strength and endurance (just speculating). I also came to enjoy poking fun at the OM. Apparently I took it a little too far; my lawyer called me this past Tuesday and told me I'd been served with a motion for contempt. (I'm guessing someone was unhappy that I'd asked him in public if he'd been recently sodomized.) So, if there's an OM, try not to be too hard on him.
I hope things go well for you. Chin up. Second star to the right and straight on until morning.
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