Squinting at the morning sun

[ciluzen]

Hey Ownit and bttrfly! Just saw your replies...thank you for being here. I promise to get out of my "me" zone after this week o'finals.

Not getting any hopes up with XH...it wrecks me. I am interested somewhat in his journey because I still love him and because he really is trying so hard to figure things out. As am I. As are my daughters. As are we all. I don't know where its going and thinking too hard brings me down pretty low. There is a lot separating us for now and in the future...even if he suddenly decides to follow the Disney movie idea of love and realizes he just can't live without me. Right now...he's all right, I guess. Lonely for a companion who can bring him his vision of happiness, saddened and stressed about life, but still...I think... ok.

It is interesting learning so much about psychological theories and therapeutic techniques...much more in depth than my undergrad classes. Then again, we start seeing clients (with a ton of supervision) in the winter. Trial by fire!

Its hard to get through a paragraph without relating it to someone or something in life. The fun of going to school at 50...its all so relevant at this time, where as a twenty something I couldn't have related to much of it except in theory.

We create our unique perceptions of the world starting with our earliest experiences...no wonder our childhoods have so much to do with how we view our world. I had a decent childhood with almost no strife; XH had a childhood of pretending to the world (and being told to) that all was well, while behind closed doors it was full of fighting and control games. Why wouldn't he run from problems or try to pretend them away? Its what he was taught. His father is only now starting to admit that his wife has Alzheimer's...she has no ability to do even the most simple tasks now, according to XH.And still his father is trying to control the situation. He's booked a cruise for six months from now...but he is bringing their caregiver.

So many parallels; so many connections. Yes, bttrfly. XH had the 2.0 Bubbles; his dad had 1.0. Of course that would seem "normal". So did screaming at people when you were really angry and panicking before every trip because you are stil afraid of the "consequences" of doing something the wrong way or not thoroughly enough. Voicing an alternative opinion, disagreeing, or god forbid, wanting to do something else...personal affronts. I remember before bomb drop as XH was in a panic that a) I put my foot down that D26 would would be married in our back yard against his wishes (she had gotten a tattoo and he was angry), b)that she and fiancee had planned a beautiful and creative wedding and he had no control or input over any of it (his wishes, but he WANTED TO DO IT), and c) in dealing with his dad, who was in the most controlling, panicky, out of control state while up for the wedding, HE RECOGNIZED THAT VERY THING IN HIMSELF...and was horrified. Truly horrified.

I believe he really felt he was doing me a favor by leaving. As he said, "you don't really like me; you just haven't wrapped your head around it".

I'll add to the fact that he is changing, though. His words, "that was not my decision to make" about coming to the river...a very dramatic turn for an uber controlling person. Meh. Its been two years. What will two more bring? I hear he is actually considering therapy. That, too, is a major change. I wish him luck. And I'll still be here and be a fried when he needs one.