Juju - I spent some time and hard emotional work on powerlessness last year. And fear which is really the root of it. At the time, I felt attacked from all sides by the huge impact of things completely outside my control...the financial & legal impact of not having a power of attorney for my mother with dementia, my H's endless trickle shocks of WTF, surgery for cancer and divorce papers dropping through the letterbox. Everything felt unmanageable and destructive.
Here's where my thoughts took me, if it helps. First of all, as humans we comfort ourselves by living as if we know for sure that B follows A. The truth is none of us know what will happen next but it is hard to live with the honesty of uncertainty, even though it's the truth. As a reformed fixer too, it is really uncomfortable for me to see how little control I have over things that have such a big impact on my life. Then I read a quote, something along the lines of 'If a problem doesn't have a solution you can make, it isn't a problem, just a truth that needs to be accepted'.
So then I set myself three challenges. One was to be really honest about my fears. Hard to do but it gave me a sort of fear priority list, a top two or three. The other was to be really tough-minded about what I could do particularly in those situations where it felt like every option was a lousy one. Even if it was small or far from perfect. The third was to think what would make me FEEL more powerful, even when my choices were limited.
For me, that was the game changer. It might be different for you, but for me, my power was about choosing to not let the situation drive me away from who I am and the reality of my own history. I can't stop my H creating an expensive legal mess through his own choices, but I can choose to be pragmatic about it and give myself time to think before I act. I can't change that I was left with the rubble of 20 years of our life, and 50 years of my parents, while everyone else 'ran away', but I can choose how I invest time and energy in it. So, for instance, I decided to leave our old house while it was still up for sale and rent a new place by the sea. Not the smartest financial choice, and I'd assumed at first I couldn't, but staying in the old house was killing me mentally...I can't tell you how liberating it was to make that choice for myself.
It is a natural human reaction to trauma that you want to run, for this to be over with. You said two things that struck me; "I don't even know what to ask for." and "It doesn't make sense for me to be fearful." That's probably the key...take a deep breath and muse on what you need and want, and what the fear is really about.
Hope that helps xxx
Thank you treasure.
I am trying to figure out What the fear is really about. Does any one have any ideas? I will bring it up to my counselor tomorrow.
My anxiety over how my lawyers have billed me has me waking up in the middle of the night and in early morning. I get really upset and think horrible thoughts about myself. I feel really traumatized. Like I see her name on emails and my heart will race and I get a sickening feeling in my gut.
I don't understand why I am taking this so badly. I understand logically that there are worse things in life. People lose children. People get afflicted with horrible diseases. I have patients that made similar errors when trusting certain surgeons only to later need revisions. It is hard to make the right choices when you do not know the ins and outs of the system.
In reality, they probably will end up ripping me off about 8 grand. A standard divorce here would cost about 10 grand for something simple like mine if you don't mediate.
Is 8 grand that much to work me up and make me feel miserable?
Now the things I can do...
First I realize have to pay everything in full or they won't mail out the decrees to the court house. I have a copy of 1 of the decrees. But I think ex's lawyer would have to redo them??
Would ex's lawyer help? Since he really wants the divorce to occur? I don't know.
Confused about this.
These seem to be my options.
1. Bring forth my concerns with attorney and they will probably take off a max of 2 grand. They will be really mad and will deny or pretend i dont have a case when I show them the technicality in the retainer. I would have to do this after they submit to the court.
This is not enough for me. Considering the technical mistake they made in the retainor that might legally make them take about 8 grand off. (Who knows)
I can insist on 5 grand taken off and see what they say.
2. Go to arbitration. This does not hurt me at all. It makes it so that i cannot go after them for malpractice though. It will be unpleasant. But I have nothing to lose. It costs me nothing. The attorneys might even just reimburse so they don't have to waste their time reviewing and then going through with it when there's a chance they will lose.
3. Speak with a consumer rights attorney. I am really mad about how they took advantage (there were times when I was being billed at 900 dollars an hour because the 400 dollar an hour lawyer was consulting with the 500 dollar an hour attorney. Or because they both talked to me on the telephone or sat in on a meeting with me. I was billed on 1 incident for faxing 15 minutes at a rate of 400 dollars per hour) to me this is gross and I want an example set. I dont want this to happen to other peopke that are vulnerable.
I would never take advantage of people this way so I didn't know what to look for. I usually Under bill and will work through breaks and lunch to give patients that need a little more extra.
Who knows. Maybe in my past life I screwed over a lot of people.
