WW in A. NC promise broke. Separation? (5th thread

[sandi2]

I think part of her does "want to work on it"... but not really all that strongly. Or, perhaps, she believes she can "work on us" while still maintaining a "friendship" with the OM. She has said something like that on several occasions, to her friends, to me, and even to our MC

Look Jim, you continue to chase your tail on this type of stuff. Ever since you started posting, you'll write about how you think there is a "part of her" that wants to do this or that.......or believes this or that. Forget it. A partial does not work! . That has been the snag throughout this ordeal. It really should not matter to you what she believes or thinks about working on the M while remaining friends with the OM. Do you think she is an extraordinary WW? I can tell you there is nothing about her that tells me she is an exception. She constantly plays you, and you continue to put up with it.

She kept saying last night she was "almost to cutting it off cold turkey" and she was trying to sort through this "the best way she knows how" and that she "doesn't know why she feels the way she does and is doing some of the things she's been doing."

She previously has said as much. So what? This is WW language that says, "I want to continue scr@wing the OM while benefiting from the M. I can feed this sh't to my H and he'll buy it, thinking I will eventually drop the OM". She has no intentions of giving up anything she wants.........don't you get it? Get your head out of her a$$ and start acting like a man who isn't going to take this cr@p.

There is still some rebelliousness there in her, too, and she told me as much "part of me just really wants to say 'this is how I am going to do this because everyone else is saying that's the way I shouldn't do it'", and she still is resentful of me monitoring her and wants to know "how I did it" (I didn't tell her) and also feels "pisssed off" that "this one thing" has now become "the big thing" even though we already had a lot of other problems. Of course, she is "sorry she hurt me" which, in my mind, is just a half step above saying "Im sorry you feel that way." Still feel like there is a good part of her that thinks what she is doing is "okay".

There is more than "some" rebellion! You say it as if part of the rebellion left. It hasn't.

She's been calling me and texting me non-stop today. Last VM she left was in tears. "Please call me."

When all else fails, turn on the tears. Straight out of the WW manual (if there was such a thing.......and there probably is on some website like AM or some similar trash).

Jim, if you are EVER going to take a stand that gives her a clear, uncompromising message that you have had it with her.........this is the time. If you compromise again, then your M is forever gone. The woman has zero respect for you, and as long as she can get what she wants from the M (a nice house, car, insurance, food, clothing, travel, etc., etc.), while she runs around on you......she will continue to cheat. She may even change AP's, but she'll continue the game.

This is not the time to show your soft, gentle, understanding side. It is the time to get tough and to be the one who says what goes on under his own roof. If she can't respect it, then one of you needs to leave. In-house S for your W is nothing different from what you've been doing all these years, unless it would be sleeping in separate beds. Why would you even consider it? It will accomplish nothing, but more disrespect. It is the ultimate cake eating for a WW! Is that what you want for the rest of your life.........serving cake to your WW?

Dont know if I'll need to walk away for 6 months or not. Depends entirely upon her. And I mean entirely. I am done riding that roller coaster

If you are really done, then do the actions they say so. You are too scared to walk away, and if I can see it, you can bet your WW sees it.

If she WANTS to end that A and can PROVE IT to me to MY satisfaction, then maybe i could somehow find a way to trust her and start moving forward but... not sure there is anything she could do right now that I could/would trust

Well, her old fallback is to tell you she just doesn't know what she wants. So far, that response has carried her through to this current situation. Whenever you allow yourself to start thinking how "part of her wants" such & such, you fall victim to that same mindset. See what I mean? It does not matter what part of her wants. She either does the right thing, or she doesn't. That is what you determine.

She has work to do. May need some IC, idunno.

Don't even go there right now. Don't mention any more counseling, b/c that got her nowhere with the previous C. Besides, if she thinks she can offer to see an IC, as some type of bargaining chip, I suggest you show no interest in whether she goes to see one or not. In fact, I suggest you show no interest in much of anything she says right now. She will try to blame other things for her lack of decency, so beware.

But she is not "relationship ready" right now. At least not for me. I deserve (and our kids deserve) better.

Yes, you do! And just let me add this.......when a WW believes she is losing something, or someone, that is of the upmost importance in her life.......it has a funny way of suddenly opening her eyes and getting her sh't together. As for the rebellion, it never left. She just set up smoke screens. The rebellion will be something she has to tackle, and you don't have to put up with it for a minute. That's part of the problem....you've put up with it.

Last night, I left her in tears and went to sleep in guest BR, but I had told her previously "she couldn't stay here" (meaning the house) which she bridled at because she "is trying to work on things with us".

Do you want to make this count? I mean, seriously make it count? Then stop saying the usual preachy NG stuff betrayed H's are known to say. "If you decide to work on the MR, then..........". Nope, none of that stuff. Just look her right in the eyes and say, "I don't want you here. Get your stuff and get out". Doesn't matter if you can legally kick her out or not. Please! It doesn't mean you can't tell her you don't want her there. It's about the hard, cold message you give her that she has split her pants and you will not take her cr@p anymore. And.......there are ways to let a person know they are not welcome, and they will usually find somewhere else to stay. The problem with most betrayed NG husbands I see on the board, is they are afraid to convey that message. They're just afraid, just like you are afraid to leave the house, and you try to find all these flimsy excuses for in-house separation. It is b.s.

The one, idunno, "encouraging" thing, if you want to call it that is that, on some level, she offered up what she had been doing on the phone voluntarily.

I'm sorry, Jim, but I think you are trying to see something that is totally not there. You found the phone! Of course she is going to offer some b.s. excuse for why she had it. It boils down to this........why does a W who is not in an abusive relationship, feel the need for so much secrecy? In WW language, privacy = secrecy. Yes, they use the privacy word all the time, but what they really want is SECRECY! When a WW gets serious about doing whatever it takes to save her M, the first thing to go must be secrerecy. That's one of the reasons behind having transparency. Affairs and other forms of wayward behavior thrieve on secrecy. Transparency works to tear down the secrets.

because she (bff) was worried that all my W's calls were being monitored and she didn't want me listening in on HER (bff's) business AND because she (my W) felt like she needed to be able to talk to her friends about her problems without looking over her shoulder

This is actually script out of the WW handbook. Not original, whatsoever.

Going to tell her I'd like her to sleep in Guest BR-- don't feel like I should be the one to have to leave the MBR.

That's stated waaay too weakly. How about, "I will be sleeping in the MBR, and you can sleep somewhere else, and frankly my dear, I don't give a d--- where". Then turn and march into the MBR and shut the door. For sure, don't start telling her how you feel you shouldn't have to be one to leave the MBR. That's so.....ugh! From this point forward, you can act like a whipped whimp who has to explain every move or thought he has.........or you can start acting like the MAN who is fed up with lies and betrayal, and that you deserve much better her.

You have to do something different this time, Jim.