Well final is over, passed with an A! Happy about that but my webcam encounter was postponed. I sat in front of the computer for 20 minutes waiting for my professor to get an email saying there was a family emergency and she had to reschedule. Can't say I wasn't elated but now my schedule is tight for child care the rest of the week so I hope she will be understanding about that. Hope everything is okay with her family!
Yes, I'm not sure what her deal is but I am going to go into it confident and do my best and there's not much more I can ask of myself and what will be will be, but I can't say I won't be disappointed if I do not do well. My main concern/problem with the program is the inconsistency in grading/expectations. A lot of other friends I have in the program have professors that barely even asked questions during their encounter whereas my teacher expects it to list 2-2.5 hours!! I guess I will be better prepared for practice IRL.
So as far as me spiraling, I don't feel that I do this other than my R with H. I do get anxious like about my tests and things but it doesn't make me spiral down these negative roads of XYZ. I think with H I fear how unpredictable he is. I'm not sure if I mentioned this but my C brought it up to H. About his actions triggering me and me having a form of PTSD regarding what happened in the past. He said that because H lied to me so much during last BD I repeatedly ask the same questions thinking that maybe on the 10th time he will finally tell me the truth because of that being the case last BD. He also said I need a lot of reassurance through H's actions because his words to me are possible of being lies like last time. He also had asked H in MC why he expects me to just not ask any questions or want no communication if I have a problem or he's making me uncomfortable. H said he doesn't want to talk about anything he just wants to be left alone and things will get better eventually.
Okay I think I'm rambling off topic now.
My frustration (and torturing myself) is that this woman wouldn't be involved if MIL hadn't involved her. She was involved last BD doing the same crap. H is weak and easily influenced, and while a big boy and capable of making his own decisions, everyone that knows H knows he's fueled by others influence. This changes nothing *I know* because I cannot control this and there is *nothing* I can do to change that. He will talk to whomever he wants to and do whatever he chooses. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to have some choice words with her. She's on marriage number 3, 4 kids all different fathers... great role model for advocating for our family
I get that feelings change. I know that first hand within myself how much my feelings have changed over the last 4.5 months. When I'm sad, I want things to work out, when I'm angry I want to scream at him and kick him out and then when I'm just blah - I feel like eh whatever happens. And all of those feelings can happen in one day!
H is an irrational person, my whole family says this. He makes rash decision on a whim or emotion. His dad told my father when H and I first met 'don't count on him, he never finishes everything.' My dad said what a terrible way for a father to think, but now 13 years later my dad says well I guess his dad was right. H has all of these projects and is always searching for *something* to make him happy. For example, last year he had to have this very expensive big diesel truck, that was going to make him happy and that's what he needed. Then he came home a few months later with another boat (we already have one big one for offshore) but this one was better because it was smaller and he could easily take it out with the boys it was something for our whole family and it was going to be great. Then he bought a project truck because he wanted a project for him to work on with the kids. Well needless to say he's just started working on that truck now because he needs the $$ and can turn a profit. Well then in March he bought the motorcycle. This one was because he needed a hobby, I said what about the boat and the truck, he said no I need a hobby that's for me, *alone*. I need to make myself happy before I can make anyone else happy. This is what makes me happy, riding the motorcycle. Now this came as a shock as he has not mentioned a motorcycle since 2008 since we sold our last one we used to ride with friends because of our oldest being born. However, boss and boss daughter I have now found out have motorcycles. Anyway, that's his cycle. Except like I told him----I am not a project you just give up on and move on.
MIL told me a couple months ago that what has happened between us is what she *heard* happened between H and his GF before me. H had told me he had moved out of his GF and moved in with his parents because he caught his GF cheating on him. MIL said she heard from XGF parents that H was very much in fact living there when he started talking to me and that he left XGF for me, I was 18 at the time and really didn't know any different. We lived far away from each other and had met through a mutual friend when I was vacationing up north. So I didn't live up there to know if he was living with her when we first started talking. But if that's the case it's the same thing as last BD, talkign to another female while still in R then leaving when he got the courage for the new R. Only difference is he came back to me when his new R failed. So this history, if true, makes me realize that A he probably won't come back unless his new R fails and B this may very well be a life long cycle (which my dad says it will be) and I will be here every couple years going through the same crap.
So where does that leave me? All this information still leads me along the same course of action to continue to drop the rope. I don't know what my goal is anymore because reflecting on what I have typed above makes me wonder why I even want this man in my life? I have gotten to the point of reminding myself he walked out when the baby was a month old. That is not someone with the type of character I am willing to accept as a partner in my life. I think where I'm at is I want the opportunity to decide what *I* want. Meaning I don't want to be forced into D. Not sure how much truth there is to that but I think I would like the opportunity.
Okay and I don't want this to come off as if I'm worried about saving the M... but is what I'm doing what I am supposed to be? I do not talk to H AT ALL, no hello, goodbye, basically I walk by him and do not even make eye contact. Now I am nice in the house with the boys, my dad, if we are around friends, so I am my normal self, but just act like he doesn't exist. He's started putting his laundry back in the laundry basket and I have continued doing it as normal because I think it would be more trouble to go out of my way to sort it out in an effort to not do it. I no longer make him a plate for dinner. I do not ask his plans, what he's doing where he's been etc. I also do not ask for any help with the boys. Last night i wanted to take a shower but the baby was up, so I brought the swing into the bathroom lol... then S6 knocked on the bathroom door and wanted to come in and sit and hang out while I showered- I heard H yell at him to leave me alone that sometimes 'mommy needs privacy and a break from the boys' haha privacy-I'm showering with my 2 month old in a swing in the bathroom... Anyway, I'm just making sure that what I'm doing is what I should be because I don't want to further fuel his opinion of me that he's made the right decision.
On another note, I just bought top of the line Samsung washer and dryer about 18 months ago and I woke up to the dryer being broken this morning! They were so expensive and #1 on the consumer reports. I've already had problems with the washer and now the dryer is completely on the fritz. Won't even turn on. Ugh!! I need someone or something to cut me a break. I don't want to ask H to look at it but I really don't want to pay someone to come out. I haven't spoke with him to initiate any contact in days and would like to keep it that way. Maybe if I just hit it a few times it will work lol
but now my schedule is tight for child care the rest of the week so I hope she will be understanding about that. Hope everything is okay with her family! 