Same Sitch. New Approach... Feeling Good (part 2)

[Chris73]

The apology letter? I have mixed feelings about it. If you can send it because you feel you must, okay, but can you do so without expectations?

Actually, I think I can. In pulling from 3 different sources of advice including MWD and the LRT, the apology letter is encouraged. It's also been encouraged by our M&F counselor (in our 1-on-1 sessions).

But the catch is the "without expectations" part, and that's certainly the key. It's supposed to be written and given without any expectation. You're not supposed to write the letter with the goal of obtaining forgiveness, or even to try to explain yourself and the possible good intentions (or other motivations) you might have had when you did the things you're apologizing for. It's intended to act as a means of validation and empathy. To put in the work of remembering the times when you did something hurtful and recount the experience from the spouse's perspective. The spouse should be able to get to the end of the letter and feel understood.

As far apart as we are right now, I believe I owe this to my W. One of her main complaints about our former relationship is that I didn't take time to understand or see things from her perspective. I started the letter many months ago and then got angry and never went back to it. I plan to finish it this week and then talk it over with my IC before leaving it for W.