+1 with OwnIt. I'm incredibly impressed that you caught yourself, T.
First off, I would like you to sit, close your eyes, take some deep breaths and think of all that you've accomplished and the enormous pressures you've been under. DBing/dealing with a wayward or MLCer is not for the faint of heart. But you've done it once and you're doing it again, and you've got a baby and a graduate program this time.
You are more powerful that you will ever know. You can do anything and you are going to kick some b&tt on that test and webcam encounter today.
Some professors are hesitant to let others into their club. It's a big problem all over academia. Lucky, my program this time around is supportive, but in my last degree at a different university there was faculty infighting and other faculty attacking students brought in by faculty they didn't like.
It's unfortunate, but I've also seen accomplished women without families who hold it against women with kids who are trying to attain entrance to their career club.
What I've learned: Professors are people too. Figure out what makes them tick. This professor sounds like she is hard on students and wants to feel good about passing them.
So, for you: shoulders back, confidence, and a small bit of deference. Nothing she can perceive as weak, particularly if it's a woman. If you can, compliment her by letting them know you took their advice to heart and have been working hard (they want to know your improvement was as a result of their feedback.)
Play the game, T. I'm not even going to wish you luck because you've so got this!
Okay, now that topic is over, back to the above. T, you see you spiral down. After your exam is done (and you've done amazing, as we all know you will) sit and think about your patterns. What brings you to the state above? We know you're just venting, and are trying hard not to give off signals in real life, but the venting and the fact that you're in that state isn't good for you.
It seems like you panic. We've eliminated the "D" word from your repertoire (thank goodness), but there is still the snooping and dissecting his behavior. You dissect his behavior still trying to make predictions about him and what it all means. And I think that all you're accomplishing is torturing yourself.
Do you do this when you're worried about other areas of your life? How are you feeling before it happens?
Quote:
I wish I was seeing some positive response from H as to what I'm doing, some type of inclination that he's having second thoughts. She said hes removing himself further and further so he isn't thinking twice about his decision... and why would I want him back after him doing this to me twice. I just don't know? What does that say about me? I don't even know anymore. I just know I want that opportunity.
Your mom is undoubtedly a lovely person, but from what I see in her advice, she stays very much on the surface level and advises you based on that.
I don't say that to give you false hope, but I think we've all accepted that he's 100% certain he's doing the right thing at this point in time. He was sure the last time, too, so certainty isn't a reliable predictor of what will happen. The thing about feelings like being sure and being certain is that they change. They change based on our moods (as you can see with yourself), the pressures in our life, and when there is new information.
Also, based on the fact that he's done this once before, your H doesn't seem to know himself very well. He second-guesses himself and rather than making the best of things, he wants to upturn his whole life, again. And he recruits supporters to help him make the transition (Wow - I didn't know he also talked to the same woman last time around!) We don't know where he's going to end up, but it's possible he does the exact same thing he did last time. And, if so, you can take the information available to you at that time and make a choice. The signs he's showing now don't predict anything.
I don't disagree with your mom. It's more of an "Ok, and?" sort of feeling. She doesn't delve in very far, and that's okay. She tells you what she sees because she loves you and wants to help you. She thinks you'll feel better if you let go. And I agree with her on that part, but I don't think there's any reason to back off of leaving the door cracked behind you if/when his feelings changed.
DBing and GAL mean you accept what the other person wants/doesn't want, because we have no control over them, and we let go. We go on to build the best, fullest life without them, and we learn we can survive - or even thrive! - without them.
Re: the book. I'll read the thread again, but my feeling was that I got a great deal more out of the book in terms of what constitutes pursuit and distance and the pattern that develops. The thread, as I recall, was focused on characteristics of pursuers and distancers.
But I'll read the thread again and let you know if I still think it's worth buying the book. Let me get back to you on that
