Hmm, the detachment journey is an odd one. It has kicked up some quite intense emotions in the last few days which felt like a step back but actually is a step forward.
For perhaps the first time since this inconceivable chaos entered my life, I feel content to let things unfold. Or the bits of my life that still have my H's hands in them.
What's changed? Well, I still love my H and wish this wasn't our story but I am genuinely ambivalent about wanting what he brings now in my life. When I read about the timescales and how hard it is to know if reconnection is real, how they can bolt again and how much effort and emotional discipline is required in piecing...it's exhausting to just look at it. So, even if the unlikely things happened, I truly don't know if I would want to invest the time and effort now even though another bit of me wants a 'happy ending'. I don't know but I'm comfortable to know I don't know, and know I don't know how things will unfold, but that I can see positives in all the possible routes forward. It feels ok to say I'll stick that all in one corner and I'll be fine to decide how to respond to whatever happens, between high-conflict Court case or more WTF surprises or my H reappearing again with a clearer purpose.
What's helped? Saying no thank you to his last 'let's chat' plan by being clear with him (and me) about my boundary. That irrespective of the reasons, I can't chat to people who can't treat me with respect and who lie to me. Simple. If my H - for his own reasons, whatever they are - wants to talk to me, he will choose to take responsibility for acting in a way that respects me. Or he won't. Not my circus etc. But for me it also means that, for the first time, I am truly not trying to 'get' him to do anything and I don't feel as if I am waiting or watching to see what he will or won't do. My boundary is clear and I'm comfortable with the consequences of it for me, so I can put it aside and focus on my own goals and priorities. There is a deadline of sorts (which I'm sure my MLC H hates!) but it's a function of the legal process he started and how he has failed to engage with it, so again not my circus and not much in my control. I'm comfortable to let it unfold and it does feel better to have some timescale when things will take one route or the other. And going NC - even with the practical fyi stuff about the house sale I've done in the past to be transparent - really helps too. Dropping the rope to him and a bunch of other outcomes is quite relaxing!
So, a new week and my focus is on work, GAL, revising some of my goals and running by the sea.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
