God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves

[Treasur]

Juju - I spent some time and hard emotional work on powerlessness last year. And fear which is really the root of it. At the time, I felt attacked from all sides by the huge impact of things completely outside my control...the financial & legal impact of not having a power of attorney for my mother with dementia, my H's endless trickle shocks of WTF, surgery for cancer and divorce papers dropping through the letterbox. Everything felt unmanageable and destructive.

Here's where my thoughts took me, if it helps. First of all, as humans we comfort ourselves by living as if we know for sure that B follows A. The truth is none of us know what will happen next but it is hard to live with the honesty of uncertainty, even though it's the truth. As a reformed fixer too, it is really uncomfortable for me to see how little control I have over things that have such a big impact on my life. Then I read a quote, something along the lines of 'If a problem doesn't have a solution you can make, it isn't a problem, just a truth that needs to be accepted'.

So then I set myself three challenges. One was to be really honest about my fears. Hard to do but it gave me a sort of fear priority list, a top two or three. The other was to be really tough-minded about what I could do particularly in those situations where it felt like every option was a lousy one. Even if it was small or far from perfect. The third was to think what would make me FEEL more powerful, even when my choices were limited.

For me, that was the game changer. It might be different for you, but for me, my power was about choosing to not let the situation drive me away from who I am and the reality of my own history. I can't stop my H creating an expensive legal mess through his own choices, but I can choose to be pragmatic about it and give myself time to think before I act. I can't change that I was left with the rubble of 20 years of our life, and 50 years of my parents, while everyone else 'ran away', but I can choose how I invest time and energy in it. So, for instance, I decided to leave our old house while it was still up for sale and rent a new place by the sea. Not the smartest financial choice, and I'd assumed at first I couldn't, but staying in the old house was killing me mentally...I can't tell you how liberating it was to make that choice for myself.

It is a natural human reaction to trauma that you want to run, for this to be over with. You said two things that struck me; "I don't even know what to ask for." and "It doesn't make sense for me to be fearful." That's probably the key...take a deep breath and muse on what you need and want, and what the fear is really about.

Hope that helps xxx