Finding my way in the dark - Part 2

[Accuray]

I wouldn't go -- I think it will be awkward and difficult for you and you will need your emotional energy for the talk with the kids. I would politely decline.

Acc

[Accuray]

Oh and BTW it is unlikely to be "the last time". I see my former in laws on a weekly basis -- it happens! When you share kids there will be plenty of opportunities to all be together

Acc

[Holding]

Thanks, Acc!

I was intending to go and just keep it short, maybe leave early. I was going to drive myself so I could leave if it got awkward. W and sons had already left for BIL's house, and I said I'd meet them. So I got all dressed and ready to go, got my shoes on, and then just sat there and stared at the floor. And then I lost it.

I realized it was too much for me to bear. I just couldn't do it. I knew I wouldn't be able to sit there and pretend like we're all happy, when I'm about to tell my kids tonight. I don't know what kind of effing robot my W is that she can do that!

So I had a good cursing and screaming fit all alone at home for a while.

I'll probably lose it too when she comes back with the boys and we have the talk. I don't know how I can do this.

[Holding]

It's done.

S10 took it better than I thought he would. S14 took it about as I expected - confused, angry, with 10 thousand variations on the question why.

Sons and I cried. W didn't. She just kept using this kind of detached Snow White voice. Disgusting.

[Accuray]

So sorry holding, that is by far the worst part of all of this. Now that the kids know I suggest reaching out to your friends and family, I think you'll appreciate the support you receive

[sandi2]

((Holding))

[Holding]

Thanks Acc and Sandi.

Rough day with the kids. I tried to spend it with just being around the house and watching TV with them. S10 asked lots of questions that brought me to tears. S14 occupied himself on the computer all day and didn't want to talk. Neither of them want to move (we had this house built for us) and I'm not sure I can afford the house alone.

At one point W came into the MBR when I was laying on the bed and looking at my tablet. She asked if she could set right next to me to talk. I said I preferred if she sat on her side of the bed. She said never mind and walked out.

W tried to engineer 2 "everyone" events for the family today. The first was a trip to the local water park again. I declined that, and it ended up not happening anyway because of the weather. So then W said we'd all go to the movies. I told her I didn't want to go, and S10 tried to talk me into it. He told me he would do anything he could to stop this from happening, and that really broke my heart.

W spent all day moving everything of hers from the MBR to "her" room. She completely cleaned out the MBR closet and bathroom. She took all her clothes out of her dresser. She did this in front of me and the kids, and it really upset them. It's like she was trying to rub it in my face. She even made a point to tell me she'd cleaned it out so she didn't "bother" me in the morning.

When W and our sons left for the movie this evening, it was so hard to just sit there and let them go. I felt so alone. I'll have to take the boys to a movie myself to make it up to them.

[Accuray]

Holding,

Once again very sorry this is happening--it's very important to tell the kids there's nothing they can do about this and continue to reinforce that, you really don't want them trying, they are under enough stress.

A couple other suggestions based on what I learned from our child and family therapist:

-- if you're going to discuss doing things as a family do it in private and announce to the boys what you're going to do versus trying to negotiate it in their presence. W should not have proposed the water park or movie in front of them.

-- If there are one or two family traditions you can maintain you should, at least for a while. In my case we would go out to dinner as a family once a week to a particular restaurant. We continued to do that through the divorce and for about six months afterwards until things stabilized and then we made it less frequent and tailed it off. It's better if you can pick one recurring tradition versus negotiating ad hoc activities because the boys can depend on the schedule.

Did you present this as what she wanted, or as a mutual choice? Stay strong for your boys, they will adapt

Acc

[dusty70]

Rough day with the kids. I tried to spend it with just being around the house and watching TV with them. S10 asked lots of questions that brought me to tears. S14 occupied himself on the computer all day and didn't want to talk. Neither of them want to move (we had this house built for us) and I'm not sure I can afford the house alone.

Holding, again we are almost day to day inline with our situations. The only difference is that our talked happened yesterday and I have to work today so I am not there for my kids if they need me. Hopefully everyday gets a little better. I guess we need to just keep doing what we're doing and see how it turns out!

[Holding]

Dusty, thanks for the support. Like I said in your thread, I think our W's have the same "End Your Marriage" app.

Acc, thanks for the suggestions. I'll see if there's something we can do together. At this point, it might just be eating dinner together at home. Our schedule really has no consistency.

During the talk, I let W lead, but then I chimed in and told them this was not my decision. In follow-up conversations, I've made it clear to both of them that this is not what I wanted, I tried hard to make this work, and that I'm sorry they have to feel this pain.

I'm hurting so much for my kids. This has really re-opened up a lot of emotions that I thought I was done with.