Thank you all for your words. Thank you Sandi for the lyrics whenever I am having a down day I will come back and re read them like I do a lot of your posts.
Cadence, I know you have been through that with me a 100000 times. I recognize that, I guess I am trying to explain my feelings becasue you guys only know what I tell you of H.
He has pulled himself further and further away. I think I mentioned yesterday and today he was gone both mornings no word of when he would be back, if the kids were taken care of, if I had plans, etc. He just comes and goes as he wants.
Am I supposed to say you're welcome to his texts if he says thank you. I have adopted the policy of not responding unless it necessitates a response ie kids, bills, direct important questions. Everything else goes unanswered.
I'm feeling a little frustrated today, he was again gone all day(fine by me), but continues to talk to that nasty girl his mom got involved. They have sent hundreds of messages in the last week and talked on the phone for an hour and a half, I find that every time after he talks to her he is even more cold to me. He came in the house while I was studying and listened to the baby cry for an hour and didn't offer to take him. He's been home for 4 hours and hasn't yet acknowledged the baby to even say hello to him.
I walked out earlier to find he had left again, I didn't even know he wasn't here. I know I have to let go of feeling frustrated but when do I get to come and go as I please? Maybe I would like to be irresponsible!! lol ... I have a HUGE exam and even bigger webcam encounter tomorrow morning and I don't get to just up and leave to study for that. My continuation in the program is determined by tomorrow's encounter (and the mood of my professor)
Whatever, I AM letting it go. This is his choices and I just wish he wasn't here but unfortunately that's not my reality right now so it's just a waste of thinking about it. I wish his inability to help wasn't here to be rubbed in my face. He can spend hours on the phone with another woman talking about our relationship and what the future holds but cannot talk to me about it. He hasn't seen this woman in 14 years. Hasn't talked to her since last BD when did this same [censored], telling her it was over, he wasn't coming back blah blah blah. But I have to remember like my C said, he is just building up this army of people to support him in his decision and if they disagreed with him he wouldn't be talking to them.
Okay vent over. I am so stressed. I have been on this computer studying for almost 12 hours now, I think I am going cross eyed. I recognize that. I just want tomorrow to be over with and know that I will continue on in school and not have to sit out a year.
Cadence - that book, is it the 1996 or 2002 edition? Also I re read some of the thread again today (for probably the 20th time) and I believe it was Cadet that mentioned if you read the thread there wasn't much else in the book that was beneficial beyond what was discussed in the thread if I remember correctly. Correct me if I am wrong though as I haven't read the book.
I said to my mom yesterday, I wish I was seeing some positive response from H as to what I'm doing, some type of inclination that he's having second thoughts. She said hes removing himself further and further so he isn't thinking twice about his decision... and why would I want him back after him doing this to me twice. I just don't know? What does that say about me? I don't even know anymore. I just know I want that opportunity.
I feel like waaah waaaah waaaah haha
Everything will work out as it should, I feel better just writing this out. But I do apologize those of you who have to cringe through reading this.
I'm currently listening to him out in the living room talking to my dad, eating pizza, watching the race, like our normal Sunday evenings just minus us acknowledging each others existence.
So I guess this is where I'm at today in an effort to improve myself Why do I still hold him to the standard of what he was to me as a husband and a partner? How do I stop that and accept him for who he is right now? Which is not my 'hero'
How do I work toward not letting him frustrate me when I see he is not pulling his weight as a parent?
Why do I view everything negatively in this situation?
What does it look like for me to accept his decision and move forward with my life?
How do I let go of all the anger and resentment I have toward him and how do I work toward not showing that (I don't feel I have lately)
Why do I compare myself to these other women he talks to?
Why do I let it bother me so much that he is discussing our M with other women that A. do not know me, B. really don't know H since high school, C. Don't know our family or our life
I think I know all of these answers, drop the rope.
