Wow. My D26 is celebrating her second anniversary this weekend. She and her H were too busy to do anything midweek (actual date), but today they are mountain biking north of here then spending the night at the river house (and the next day). Two years!
That also means that in about two weeks I get to "celebrate" H's BD. I realize I'm going to have to work on separating the two events...or replacing the second with a really good adventure.
Right now I'm entering finals week with a perfect score in both classes...how'd that happen? one project to go in one class (already done...just needs to be presented) and another project and final exam in the other (pretty secure with both). Then I need to practice breathing and GALing for a month.
So...the wedding. Long story short (well, ciluzen short). Gorgeous day, beautiful drive through the country almost to the Canadian border (like...a mile away). Got to the campground and settled in talking to assistant B and another lady from XH's office that I consider a friend (We'll call her "G"). After the ceremony, I got busy helping with food and reception set up to avoid focussing on XH, who had driven Bubbles (she had a pink cast from ankle surgery last month) and her sister. He set her up by the river in the shade. Darn. I realized if I played in the river with the kids (part of my plan) I would be right by her...and I didn't want to see her at all. Luckily G and another friend set our chairs up out of sight-line of them and started talking.
As I was filling out an idea for the wedded couple's "bucket list adventure", XH wandered over and started joking with G and I, but looking at me. He asked if I had written (insert sexual "adventure" here). He kept repeating it and asking, "don't you think that would be fun?". G laughed at the exchange, but looked at me in disbelief...I really believe he is clueless, sometimes. He also told me he brought me one of the beers I had suggested to him, because it was very good and he thought I would enjoy it.
He ended up visiting us a few more times, including bringing me the beer. Bubbles and her sis walked (limped) up to his car and waved (I ignored) as they were leaving. XH came over to say goodbye and chatted for a bit. Funny, by this time his entire office staff was sitting with me (including the bride).
I looked good in my boho sundress, btw. Casual, but comfy and short enough to play games. Lots of compliments from everyone else.
I will admit, seeing him arrive with Bubbles threw me...I hadn't seen them together for a long while. I was in a bit of a mood driving home with those emotions an memories.
He called an hour after I got home. Apparently, as he was driving home he received news from his dad that a woman friend of his father had died...suicide. She was basically "Bubbles" to his dad. Yes, his dad had the same "close friend" relationship with a woman in his office. . They remained close to her and often visited and helped her after her husband passed away. But the closeness was between his dad and the woman. XH and his brothers were close to her, too. She was like family. He needed to talk so I listened.
Here's where I am ashamed of myself. I tossed and turned all night. I overthought and got worked up and thought mostly of my feelings. I called the next morning to check on him, but ended up letting him know that it hurt to see Bubbles again and to know that he drove her there. I also threw in that every alimony check he sends is in an envelope stamped with the office stamp, but hand addressed to me by Bubbles. He said he just put it in the pile of bills to be paid and had no idea who wrote on it. Fair enough...but, I let him know it has bothered me. His reaction to both let me know that he's not mean...just totally clueless! It was like listening to a seven year old who knows kinda why he just got in trouble for something, but doesn't really understand the concept of the "why". I ended up asking him, "what IS your relationship with Bubbles?" He said he hadn't really thought about it, avoided a few times, got mad, and finally said, "She's the lady that runs my office!!". I told him he should really think about that a bit more...he bought and owns a house with her, spent every vacation with her, spends time alone with her, chose her over his own wife and destroyed his marriage and his family in part because of her, STILL has her in his life and she is "just the lady that runs his office"? Is that what he tells himself because he knows she's married to another man and that's how it can all be ok? He SPEWED...I SPEWED ...told him I think of him and love him still (ughh...nononono!) then we calmed down and we talked for quite a while.
In talking, I learned that he tries not to hurt me...but doesn't quite understand how to accomplish that and do what he wants. He also seems to have extremely low self worth, but wants to belong so badly. It explains the river house situation so much...he's just frantic about having it ready for people...people who really only come when Bubbles is there. Its sad, really. He's only worth what he can give, whether its help or a party place or a job...but not just him, in his eyes.
It makes me re-evaluate myself every time. I constantly look at myself after these interactions...where is my self worth? What is it based on? Who is the authentic Ciluzen and am I just trying to please others? I hope my goals are based on what I want...I think they are. He mentioned that he is working on himself...I see it. He still worries a lot about what others think of him. He's so afraid of being abandoned if he is just him, though.
I apologized for dumping on him while he's going through all that he is (its a lot). He texted an hour later to apologize for dumping on me. He also said he doesn't want to make me feel bad anymore; that he is no saint. That I effectively gave him information to help avoid making me feel bad in the future, and I should not feel bad about that.
He called midweek to talk...I'm not sure about what. Kids? School? My mom? All were mentioned, but...just talk. He was on his way up to water the lawn...which used to be my job midweek as I had summers off. I wonder if that prompted the call. It must be hard to work a whole day and then have to drive an hour and a half to hand water and then drive back in to town again the next day for work. Especially since he was so overjoyed at first to find an apartment 2 minutes from work. I do know he has been visiting our storage facility...he told me he moved a piece of furniture to the river. He noticed I'd been moving things out. So that was my rather lengthy check-in. I really don't think about him all day everyday anymore. I'm getting better at this living-without-him thing. But there is contact. It does set me off when I see him or talk to him, but its like chipping at the underside of a rock. You chip a bit off, then the weak parts surrounding that part seem to crumble on their own, on their own time. I actually don't know if that metaphor applies to the intense feelings between a long-married couple slowly going away or if that rock is actually a supposed to represent a new relationship being transformed into a beautiful but unknown work that is following its own pre-determined form. If I go with the idea that I teach my students, there are no mistakes in art. Use what happens to change direction and surprise yourself with a result that is only partially yours. You are never finished til you sign your name, and then that's when you know you are done.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
