Finding my way in the dark - Part 2

[Accuray]

But why did I want that? Well, the emotional pain at BD was almost crippling. I was a mess. Before BD I was bitter and resentful, and even thought about D myself, though never said anything. But the BD put me into panic mode where I felt like I NEEDED to fix things between us. To me the intense pain was a sign that I did indeed still have a deep love for W.

I think you're concluding the wrong thing here -- the intense pain was a sign that you valued your stability and control over your life. Your brain convinced you that getting W back was the fastest way to restore them, so that's why you're feeling "in love" feelings. Totally normal and happens to everyone but with perspective you'll see it.

If you step back, why would you be "in love" with someone who treats you this way? Does that make sense?

This is about control over your life, self-worth, stability, security etc, it's not about love. The cruel irony is that getting W back will not restore these feelings as you'll obsess over the betrayal and fear she'll do it again.

Re-establishing control over your life and rebuilding your value and self-worth can be done outside of your relationship with W and really they must be. Getting that "mojo" back on your own is what makes it possible to reconcile because you're no longer one-down in the relationship. You need to be in it because you want to be, not because you feel you need to be, and there's a big difference,

Someone here once said that the only difference between a WAS and an LBS is timing as you were BOTH unhappy, not just her. Because it wasn't working for either of you both of you would need to contribute differently to make it better and W would need motivation to do that

Acc