Leaving it up to God (but still interfering!)

[Coly23]

Hey AP, thanks for the suggestion. I have now removed him from my contacts although I do know his number off by heart but I guess it would be more difficult to punch that in when I can't see straight!!

Journaling: So, not much going on in my sitch at the moment. I haven't heard from/seen or contacted H since D's prom. Since coming back from holiday I have been feeling very restless. Not as calm as I was before. I feel something is changing in me and it's making me scared. I have these conversations in my head all the time about contacting H and then I think about what I put myself through since BD, trying to keep him near us and how much I spun. So then I talk myself out of it. I think unless I have an emergency about D or its financial I won't contact him. That's huge for me because I have a history of letting NC go on for around seven weeks and then I break and ask him to lunch/ coffee or something just so I can see him.

So saying that I did text him this morning as I had asked him to increase the very small amount of money he gives me each month for bills. It doesn't even cover half of the bills I pay and I pay all the mortgage. I asked him to do this at the same time I said he can start giving D a monthly allowance and assumed he would do both as he said yes. But it looks like he hasn't increased my money so I just said I noticed it hadn't increased this month. The reason I am posting this is to keep my expectations low especially as it's been over 40 minutes since I texted him. So just to prepare myself, in my head I am thinking the following:

1. He doesn't respond and just ignores my text;
2. He doesn't respond but increases the money anyway;
3. He responds and apologises for the oversight and increases the money;
4. He responds and says he doesn't have enough money to increase it and believes he gives me enough;
5. He responds and tells me not to contact him again;
6. He responds and declares his undying love! (ha,ha, just joking!)

But really, I'm not sure I care anymore. I was going on the old saying of if you don't ask you don't get so I thought I would give it a shot. He may still be sulking about us not telling him about the holiday or he may be living if up on holiday himself so again trying to keep my expectations super low.

Happy weekend everyone!!