Feeling defeated

[sophene]

I've been reading the posts and was feeling hopeful, but each passing day, I'm feeling hurt and sad. I'm still getting used to the abbreviations so please bear with me.

My H dropped the bomb on me in the middle of June, he left to stay with a male coworker on my daughter's 9th birthday after she went to bed (June 25th). He said he needed to cool off for a couple of days. He said he will still come over every night to help with the kids. I did the whole begging and pleading, big mistake on my part, which pushed him further away. I suspected that he's having and EA because I found thousands of text messages exchange between the two of them. When I confronted him about it, he said it's someone that gives him attention. I felt so hurt by his actions because I've remained loyal to him all this time and I thought he would do the same. Anyways, after about 2 weeks of separation, he barely made the effort to spend time with the kids. My son is 10 years old and he's showing signs of depression because of this. I was so hurt by his actions that I threatened to take full custody of the kids.

He panicked and filed for divorced on July 13 and I have 30 days to respond. We saw a licensed marital therapist on July 20, but it seems like he's putting on a face. She told me to be kind and not scold him during this time. I have been very kind to him but I feel defeated and hopeless.

During our 2 weeks of separation, I borrowed DR from the library and implemented the GAL. I went out with some of my girlfriends and he started paying attention, but I keep backsliding and told him that we all missed him and want him to come back home. He keeps saying "we'll see" and says that he doesn't think that I'll every change. I know I have my flaws and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to repair our relationship, but at the same time, I'm so hurt and it's hard to let go and detach. It's so hard for me to concentrate in school and I want to cry everyday. I feel so lonely every night. We have a lot of debt to be paid and I feel like he's barely helping me out financially. I don't know what do to and in the end, me and the kids are the losers in this game.