Regaing Respect of the WS?

[Chris73]

I would like to add a few of my experiences to this thread. You can throw all of these under the category of what NOT to do.

I sincerely believe that my W's loss of respect for me is how I ended up where I am today. What contributed to this loss of respect? A lot of things, some of which I had control over, and some not.

Our relationship was coasting for the better part of 5 years, after the birth of D5. During those years my wife simultaneously struggled to maintain her business, act as the primary caregiver to our children (newborn and a 3 year old), and deal with the reality of her mom dying from cancer.

During this time I *THOUGHT* I was doing all the things a good husband was supposed to do. I went to work every day and brought home the majority of the money we needed to live in our house and support our lifestyle. I was always present in my kids lives and home life: helping with dinner, bathtime, bedtime, chores, etc. I converted my office into a bedroom so that my MIL could be close to my W and the hospital where she was getting chemo.

Once the kids were self-sufficient and her mom had passed, things quieted down and my W had time to reflect on the current state of her life. It was at this time that I had the opportunity to rescue my marriage, but I didn't. I was lost in my own world of working, being a father, and satisfying my own pleasures and needs to get through the day.

My W became the executive of running the house and I became the third child in the family - very willing to do what was asked of me, but never taking any initiative other than going back and forth to work. In addition to this, I was self-absorbed and always insisted that we do things my way. I now believe that after this went on for a while, my W started losing respect for me and eventually engaged in her first EA/PA of our marriage without even a second thought.

The rest of my story is well documented, but I do remember one specific conversation right before I found out about OM1 where my W said, "Look, you don't get it. I need someone to TAKE CARE OF ME. I don't get that from you. It's like we're siblings and I need more than that." I didn't realize then that she had already decided to leave the MR. I just thought, "Great, she's finally telling me what she wants. I will do whatever I can to make that happen." One year later I realize that any changes I made were going to be too little, too late for her.

Now, I'm not solely to blame for everything. My W had an abusive and traumatic childhood. She reacts negatively to stability and pursues relationships that offer a certain level of drama. This is what feels normal to her. She has very little contact with her family. All of these variables led up to a perfect storm of waywardness and mid-life crisis. At some point my W made the decision to sabbotage the MR and has been in her fog ever since.

But if I'm being honest, I didn't step up once the affair was revealed. I should have gotten angry. I should have stood up for myself. I should have taken a leadership role. My wife respects a man in that role, and I needed to reestablish that respect before any other reconnecting could happen.

But I didn't. I collapsed from the betrayal. I saw the end of my marriage and family life hovering in the distance and paniced. I cried. I begged. I pleaded. I tried to be logical with her. I tried wooing her with romance. I spied on her. I started doing all the things she'd always complained about me not doing. But none of it helped, because the respect was gone. She saw all my actions as desparate and controlling.

Now here I am a year later dealing with separation, family counseling, divorce mediation, division of assets, and the the harsh reality of only being able to see my kids 50% of the time. None of it by my choosing, but some of it by my doing.

I don't think think my MR is completely dead, but time is really the only thing that can save it now. In time I might not want to save it anymore. But if I could go back in time, it wouldn't be to change how I reacted to the BD a year ago. It would be to change how I contributed to nurturing the MR five years ago.