I want to add...that our SL has been horrendous and close to zero for like 5 years (this is key info)...the worst...
this^^ is a big big deal.
She may feel you have no right to question her and that may explain her saying you "never said you could not have an open m", given that there was no sex inside the m.
Though we promise fidelity to our partners, meaning we won't have sex with others, there is also the understanding we will provide that to our spouses. When we don't, it tends to make people feel justified going outside the m, obviously. What would be different in the m, if she were to commit?
[/color] A key admission of hers is that when we were having sex that she didn't know how to ask me for what she wants....she has selective perception because we definitely had periods of good sex...I feel like that's necessary in her own mind to help justify her actions...I also accept my role in leading to her feelings...and I have changed in other ways for the better...if she were to commit, I believe the change would be she would have a partner who is older and wiser and in tune to what she wants....
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I feel that poor communication led us each to shut ourselves down and withdraw, what does this^^^ mean? It is very general. Vague. "Poor communication" does not excuse or equate to 5 years of feeling rejected. No offense, okay?
I get that it must have felt mutual but - sexist as it is, when there's no sex or even attempt at intimacy, the woman tends to feel the man isn't attracted to her, (guys do tend to initiate more, right or wrong) so when there's no attempts
[color:#FF0000]she would dismiss what I felt were attempts at intimacy...or me expressing what I want...and because she didn't want to do those things that I wanted I should just accept that for the fact she didn't want to do them...ie. I would say "let's take a shower together, or bath" as a way to get warmed up...she seemed to consider this the stupidest idea ever conceived...I can live with that, but it's hard to say I didn't initiate things...or I would ask her to dress up in some minimal way...NO WAY!....she has now communicated that she was always frustrated if I got too excited too fast...that explanation makes more sense...she never was able to communicate anything like that back then
that gets depressing and develops bitterness and a - well, you get my point.
Be more specific in your hoped for solutions than saying "we will communicate better about sex". How? And then what?
You need real tools, and I'd suggest you seek them out b/c if you have not come upon them already then they require professional help. NO SHAME IN THAT....seriously. [/color] eventually building into mega resentment...yet, unbelievably through it all there was no loss of interest in touching like cuddling, holding hands, etc, continuing to enjoy our lives lacking passion in the m, or feeling as if you are not desired is a real ego blow and will breed deep seated resentment in time. Yes that can, obviously, lead to a WAW or an A...
[/color] Yes, I resented her using me as some sort of sleep aid...in cases where there would be no sex...and yet now she has acted because she has needs...I'm wondering if she has simply changed in many ways and selectively remembering things to fit her new narrative?
...I've attempted to initiate working on our issues many times and been shot down...[/b] [color:#3333FF] what did you initiate? How? What does "shot down" mean? Ever see a sex therapist?What was your sex life like when you fell in love?
We never saw a sex therapist....she has never suggested any counselling or therapists whatsoever...I feel like I am ABSOLUTELY there in one second if she suggests these things now...
W has held long-term resentments and kept a score-card of ways that I have wronged her, always to bring those things up against me as if they are crimes I've committed....
I never truly suspected her A's until maybe one year ago...then I began to gather evidence...
Do you see any^^^ parallels?
You will both need to Lose the score cards and evidence gathering if you want to rebuild this marriage.
Yes, it's true...these score cards are ridiculous...especially if we are able to recognize where we went wrong back when we acted stupidly or inconsiderately...
