I am a bit confused by all the advice on here. In regards to filing first, and throwing him off guard, getting the upper hand, using texts in court, etc. I can't imagine that any of this benefits you. First of all, I don't think you should make any major decisions based on how you think he will react (that is the opposite of DB). I think you should really think about everything you need and want in a D, then get some solid advice on the easiest and less expensive way to achieve that outcome. The goal isn't to send a message to him or snap him out of it, the goal is to get you a good custody arrangement and fair financial support.

Here is the thing though, family court services have little time for he said/she said. Him texting you to "prove he's trying" is a moot point. Can you imagine if the court entertained the 100 billion text messages between people going through divorce? Perhaps if you had some solid emails proposing a schedule for the kids that he continually ignored or didn't follow through on, that could come up? And even then, if it's in mediation, it often becomes less important than what you will agree to moving forward.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I think you should go as dark as possible and only email in a very concise and formal way. why even speak to him or text him at all right now? That gets you no where. As soon as he pouts, put your hand up and tell him to respond to your email. I like the way Ownit put it. In that email you can let him know that you would like to move forward and have a predicable and stable schedule for the boys. You make it crystal clear that he is not to spend the night, that he is not to come after a certain time, and that he should only come on these nights. This is what is best for the kids and this is what you need! I could give 2 chits what he thinks about this or how he responds (whhaaa waaaahhh whaa)!

This is also helps you feel as if you are getting some power back here. There is no reason his dumb arse should be coming by late at night and sleeping on the couch. Okay maybe you don't have a legal right to kick him out, but why should that stop you from trying? If it were me (and I did have times this came up), I would walk right over to him, look him square in the eye, and tell him that this isn't working, please leave, and stick to the schedule or email a response with revisions. I drew very firm lines and stuck to them; I did not let him eat one slice of cake once I realized what I had to do.

So would this upset him enough that he would make a change? Good. Because THIS isn't working. Would it upset him enough that he would pull finances ... honestly, if that is the kind of jack hole that he is, then I am sorry, but he will do it at some point anyhow. You cannot walk on egg shells for this guy anymore. You and the boys deserve a safe and quiet space and to know when he will come and go, and that time should only be when the kids are awake, and then he leaves!!!

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela