I am reaching out again to this community to help me think through an issue I am experiencing.
Over the last week I have noticed that S has developed a stutter. He is two years old. Yesterday morning, when S stuttered in our presence, I brought it to H's attention. I told him I felt like this was something we should note and keep an eye on. (Isn't this what parents do? i.e., Monitor behavioral changes so they don't become a bigger problem later.) He immediately stated something along the lines of well, I have several questions about this: is this even a problem, how many two year olds do this, is this normal?
I am kicking myself because I allowed him to divert my attention (yet again) and answered his questions and did not address the underlying issue. Ugh.
Notwithstanding that ^^^, which I believe I handled poorly (in retrospect, perhaps I should have validated his concerns, but then ask to continue to address mine? ). I felt criticized by his questioning. I felt like my concerns were sidelined and dismissed (we never really addressed the heart of the issue).
I do not feel like bringing this up again. Some of my reluctance stems from a lack of motivation in wanting to deal with H. Another part of it is a bit of a defeatist (I don't know if that is the right word) attitude. And what I mean by that is if past behavior is any indication of future behavior, and since he is still in replay, and since he is still behaving in a way to justify his behavior and choices, then what can I expect to gain by bringing it up?
Another confrontation? Most definitely. A conversation that goes nowhere? Yes.
I would love to show him that I can approach old problems in new ways. I would love to demonstrate my ability to discuss this issue without blaming or criticizing or raising my voice or get emotional.
But then I ask, where would this even get me? It certainly wouldn't turn the tide on the divorce. I don't expect him to suddenly have an "a-ha" moment, smack his head, and say "wow, I was wrong about us all along." Admittedly, I would like it to have an impact on how he sees things. However realistically, what I know is that we cannot do anything to influence or change them.
Then on the other hand I say, yes, while this one interaction may not have an impact, if we continue to have positive interactions in the future, can't THAT have an impact? Or is that hoping/expecting too much?
Am I afraid? Yes. I am afraid that bringing this up again will only provoke him into a fight. He will find a way to verbally jiu jitsu me into being the villain and ultimately giving him more justification for the divorce. I am not confident enough that I can defend my new insight without getting upset or led astray.
All of this brings me to my question, what do you all think? What is your perspective? Have you dealt with a similar issue?
