...she asked me "what are the things you want?" And then said "it doesn't mean you're going to get them"
Sounds like she's checked out. You're in the right place!
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but I'm baffled why my W couldn't ever say "lets get help together" and felt this was the best alternative....
She probably did try and you likely perceived it as nagging and shut down on her. This is addressed in DR. At some point she quit trying and started planning her escape. It may have been months or even years ago.
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of course we both have needs...at a certain point she was unwilling to communicate about them...she claims she was never able to tell me what she wants....and that I should've been able to figure it out "like other guys"...is it such a crime for her to tell me?....or teach me?
Read the 5 Love Languages, it'll explain a lot about this dynamic to you. Both of you waited for the other to fill your "love tank", and when neither did, the other's tank just emptied out. At that point one or both check out of the relationship. There's more great info in there too, you likely have different LL's and we all tend to try to show love through our own language rather than the other person's. For example, your LL may be physical touch but your W's is words of affirmation. So if you touch her all the time you -think- you're showing her love, but it may mean little or nothing to her. At the same time you may never offer her WoA because it's not your language, but what you fail to realize is it is what she needs the most and she's not getting it.
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I still need to fully understand where she is and whether she feels there is any chance of R in this M....at this point all I'm asking for is a solid sincere attempt
Read Sandi's rules. Read DR. Spend some times going through threads here and read the advice offered to others. You are not in a position to expect anything of her right now, she's one foot out the door. You need to remove all pressure from her!
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I'm wondering do I keep total distance from her and ignore her or do I try and spend time with her at this point and discuss things in small trickles? It's damn tough to suppress the anger and pain right now
Giving her time and space is not ignoring her, it's just pulling back, not pursuing, not pressuring. If she want to talk then LISTEN and VALIDATE, nothing more. Don't argue/ explain/ reason/ negotiate. Just listen.
