Finding my way in the dark - Part 2

[Holding]

Last night W and I discussed some things about the D.

Before we started though, W was really irritated when I got home, it was a level of upset that I haven't seen toward me since before BD. She was upset bc I was home late (9:30) and thought I hadn't made arrangements for the boys' dinner like I said I would. I had made arrangements (I called and told them about food in the fridge) but it wasn't what she thought I was going to do.

We moved into the MBR and continued the discussion with the door locked. She kept going on about how upset she was, how I said I was going to take care of dinner, and she started dropping the F bomb. I told her I didn't want to hear that kind of talk. I asked if we could talk about what we had planned on discussing - what to tell the kids. She agreed but was irritated.

She wanted to say the standard stuff, like we love you both and make sure things are good for you. But sometimes people in marriage have adult problems and can't get along any more. She wanted to stress to them that there's no hope of us working it out. It sounded pretty okay, but I reminded her that I was going to tell them this wasn't what I want and wasn't my decision. She got defensive again, but said "Fine, you say what you think you need to say." I reminded her that she is the one who wants this. She tried to guilt me by saying my IC (who wife knows) would never agree with what I wanted to do. I told her my IC did agree with me, and W seemed a little surprised by that.

W starts to talk about logistics - her vision of how we would split things in the house, time with the kids, vacation time. On the surface it all seemed very fair, but I was of course suspicious. She said she would not seek child support, since we'd each have 50% time. At this point in the conversation, her mood seemed to lighten a little, and it was almost like a little of the old W was starting to come out. She started painting a picture that was a lot like our current life, except for us living in separate houses. She envisioned us keeping our own salaries and retirement plans (hmmmmm).

She asked if what she said seemed fair, I said on a quick surface glance it did, but I would have to think about it. She suggested I write down my wish list for things so that we can have something to work with in mediation. She's still hoping we use her L friend in mediation.

She said her L was going to email me a waiver to serve. I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to sign, because it can sometimes waive things other than just serving of papers.

She started asking who I'm getting legal advice from. I wouldn't tell her. She complained about the lack of trust between us. She can't stand not knowing.

She didn't understand why I had to be so secretive. At some point she asked me if I was having an affair. I sat there for a few moments and said no.

We talked about putting the house on the market. She wants to sell it as is and put in minimal work to fix it up. We agreed we can't afford our own places until the house is sold.

This was all so matter of fact on her part. It kind of depressed me how much she wants all this, how much she's willing to destroy just to get away from me.

I had a backslide. I asked her why she was doing all this, why she wanted a divorce. I said I understood the reasons she wanted to go, but they just didn't seem to add up. I said everyone I've told about our problems said that what's happened between us is fixable. She didn't believe that, and said deep inside, there's just too much hurt in her heart. She talked about how things could've been better between us if we'd done X, Y, Z, but we didn't and it's too late. I said I realized it [censored]. She said it's just gone too far. I agreed and said I'm sorry it's gone too far.

(Once again, no talk of OM.)

After the talk W's mood seemed lighter. She asked if she could take a bath in the MBR bath while I was in the shower stall (which hasn't happened since she's been sleeping in the guest room). I told her to just wait until I was done.

Her L has emailed me the waiver to serve. I'm about to pull the trigger on my own L in the next day or two. I just don't feel like I can trust W or the L friend.