- MC said that while I clearly am making progress that I still operate from the rescuer mode (not false) and that I need to focus more on my needs (not false and I have been better at it but I frame a lot of what I have learned in connection with W.) - MC said I need IC since I mention that while I am being better at patience and controlling impulses that she can help me with that - Last week MC said she dislikes putting a time stamp on things but near the end said that while cost may be a factor that she thinks we need two more months of MC. (my W. pointed this out in the car that it was odd.. I replied that she may be doing it for a multitude of reasons but essentially to tell us to not expect a quick fix but also that she did say she has hope for us...which I felt was an odd comment as well for a MC to make)
One thing I have noticed, W is less enthusiastic during the sessions than at home...she validates (nods, verbal agreement) things I say and points to positive things that happened..but at home she is much more at ease and warm in that. There is a lot of reasons why this might be but I have realized that perhaps this is why I continue to doubt her sincerity which seems to be there but then she talks herself into seeing obstacles. HOWEVER, we are getting along better and we are working on things on our own. And the obstacles my W points out are things that are real.
So the trip tomorrow. I am trying to shut off the unhealthy thought that all she will do is have wild adventures with OM (who she hasn't seen for weeks now). But she may have already stopped talking to him. She may not even want to see him because she wants to not do something she knows that would hurt me. But that is ultimately the doubt I have: she is not the woman I married but in some ways in recent weeks she has shown more of those sides of herself. And she IS terrified of the financial reality of living alone. But if that is what is keeping her here why does she STILL want to interact with me, why does she still follow the tools and resources provided in the MC? I.e., why does she do more than the absolute minimum she can get away with? And when I start asking those questions I recognize I am over analyzing and driving myself nuts so I remain calm.
I feel good about going on the trip. I am not terrified. Yet I know this will be a test for us both.
And like we keep saying: this is a marathon. Essentially we are learning things that should have been fostered from the start.
There is progress but there is also doubt. I am trying to remind myself of what I type to others on here: take it day by day. Small steps.
