Finding my way in the dark - Part 2

[Holding]

Yes tell us about the third child if you feel it's relevant. Sorry you're going through this and I agree it's moving fast -- fasten your seatbelt and take care of yourself!

The third child issue goes back about 6 years. W has always been cold in the sack, and my dissatisfaction was an ongoing issue. It reached a point where we had a real SSM. W claimed that she was having medical issues (fibromyalgia) that made it very uncomfortable. It was driving me crazy. It would keep me up at night, thinking about it, beating myself up mentally, wondering why I wasn't wanted. I was dying inside. I was trying all the time and getting shot down. I actually prayed for god to take my libido away, so I would stop suffering. For about 5 months I made a plan to make it happen as much as possible. The end result was that we'd ML about twice a month.

I then reached a point where, one night, I was just laying there, I got shot down, and I realized it was totally out of my hands. I stopped blaming myself. I stopped wanting it. Something inside me changed. After that we usually ML about once a month - when she was ovulating. It was at that point that she said she wanted to try for a third child. I felt like I was just being used for sperm. She only wanted to ML if it meant we'd have a kid.

I told her that if she wanted another kid, she'd have to cut back at work. I was really stressed at home, taking care of the household and the boys (dinner, homework, bedtime) while she was getting ahead at work. Plus money was very tight. I knew I wouldn't be able to mentally handle another child unless she made some kind of change (cutting back hours and stop fast-tracking her career). She said she'd try. She maybe made a change for a little while, but went back to the old ways. ML continued at once per month.

At one point she thought she might have missed a period. I got really freaked out. I remember I kind of had a panic attack sitting on the sofa. I was terrified of what another child would bring. About a week later, W said she'd gotten her period. It was at that point that I decided that I wanted to get the snip-snip. I couldn't go through this any more. My biggest mistake was not talking to W about this moment.

So I told her I wanted the procedure. I explained that we couldn't afford a baby and it would be too much for us to handle logistically. I told her it was what I wanted. She was upset, but seemed to accept it. She drove me to the procedure and even watched. That was 5 years ago.

So like I've said, if I had a time machine, I would go back to this time and be much more open to my wife about what I was feeling and thinking. I would talk out the decision more with her before I'd made my mind up.

After that ML was not the same. W started having really bad periods and got on the pill to regulate. So she wasn't ovulating any more. ML dried up to maybe once every 3-4 months. We talked about it, but I just wasn't able to initiate due to how rejected I felt.

About maybe 8 months ago, well before BD, W asked me if I would be willing to adopt. I told her I wasn't sure I'd be able to love an adopted child the same way I loved my own.

So at BD, she blamed me for robbing her of a daughter 5 years ago. When I mentioned that she never cut back at work, she said "Don't try to turn this around on me." She said what I said about not wanting to adopt was a horrible thing. How could I not care about a baby?

I've always felt like W wanted a dollhouse family. Something that looks amazing, but something she can put away and ignore for a while and not really put hard work into. Sometimes I think maybe this D is a blessing in disguise. Then I think of my kids and feel horrible for them.