There is often a part of me that thinks, "hey. Maybe I am creating this drug addiction issue because I needed an answer, or did not want to accept that perhaps I was an abusive wife like he said, or feel more comfortable with drug addiction then an an affair partner because I can rationalize it as a disease ".
The only factual proof I would have was a drug test or admittal.
Circumstantially, .when looked at on there own they don't mean anything, but together..... 1. Missing money from ATMs in bad and out of the way neighborhoods for 800 dollars weekly. Going back a minimum of 3 years. 2. Daily cash withdrawals of 100 dollars minimal. 3. Withdrew enormous amounts out of his IRA to pay off credit card debt which made no sense. Credit cards were just being paid by minimums. Nothing outrageous on them. 3. Sleeping late and through alarm clocks. (Till mid to late afternoons) 4. Lots of secret errands that made no sense. (Like he would leave to go somewhere during a snow storm) 5. Refused a drug test, and agreed to supervised overnights. 6. Admitted to problem with alcohol and depression. 7. Found cc statements with high monthly bills to liquor stores going on a minimum of 5 years. He drank in secret and at night when I was sleeping. 8. Awake all night. 9. What I thought were IBS issues, but finding they also are a sign of withdrawals. Lots of Imodium. Which I recently discovered is used for withdrawals. 10. Was warned way before I was married and I didn't believe that person. I imagined an addict as someone that was very skinny and intoxicated, and unable to keep a job. I thought the person telling me heard the info from someone jealous. I thought maybe they exaggerated some recreational or experimental use in the past. 11. Looking back, He had an incredible wealth of knowledge about drugs. I thought he had an amazing memory from a pharmacology class he took in college...but drug pharmacology had nothing to do with his major, so why take it?
Knowing for sure would have affected me legally. I chose not to pursue. But if he had been hiding money with the intention of leaving me, then I would have pursued. I gambled on this.
It's also important to know to protect my son. he is very high functioning now. But I am still not sure what to do other then the supervised overnights. I can demand testing anytime, if I see anything suspicious. But I dont. He comes across as so damn polite and professional and alert. It's now in decree, that he is not allowed to use illicit substances when with son. If I do have to take him to court it's also in decree that he will be responsible for legal fees if he is not following decree. I just don't know what to do regarding this.
Emotionally, it's been hard. Regardless of whether there was drug issues he was living a double life regarding money. He was in places, he never told me about for years. We have been separated for over 2 years, but this info was recent and something I am coming to terms with. When I first found out I couldn't get out of bed. People all thought I should be over it and moving on, but it hit me hard emotionally
(It is good you are discovering this early on)
He was not a liar like your ex. But a liar in a different way. But I always knew he was someone that didn't voluntarily give information. He lived a separate life. And he was an evader of direct questions. I would have to know what to ask to get a straight answer and even then, I would have to be knowledgeable of the ways that he deflected or curtailed around it.
I don't know what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone that was open and shared his life, and feelings with me. I view all men to be like my ex. A guy that wants to talk and share would seem very weird and maybe even unmasculine to me. I have mixed feelings about dating. Excited but also not sure if I am ready or have the time to commit to someone. Trusting someone again is scary too. I don't trust my judgement in knowing a good and honest partner. What if next time around, he is a secret pedophile? Or sex addict?
When we trust in a partner we risk our lives and children's lives. Choosing a partner wisely is a big responsibility.
