T, I think his behavior is the distancer trying to get the pursuer to pursue.
He's backed off and still came home even though you asked him not to (only to not lift a finger with the kids) because he wants you to get angry and pursue him via a fight.
You were advised in your last thread to start acting as if he is not there and not count on him at all. He can do whatever he wants to do. Your text let him know you noticed he wasn't there, and that you'd like his involvement with the kids (because the logic was kids were asleep so he's not needed) so he's doing the opposite of what you want to try to make you angry. He's still showing up and not helping when he does. That's not a coincidence.
You're being baited. H is going to do what he's going to do. You should be so absorbed in living life on your own that his comings and goings don't matter. You should assume he won't help with the kids because then you won't get angry when he doesn't - maybe you'll occasionally be pleasantly surprised, instead. There's no need to text him, or give him any idea what you want from him, because this version of H will take it, run with it, and do the opposite in the hopes your emotions get the better of you.
Remember that he wants you to blow up and argue. It helps him feel less guilty and confirms the "T is to blame for my unhappiness because she's always upset with me and nothing is ever enough" storyline.
Note: please don't confuse the "H is a nonentity in childcare" for not formalizing the childcare. The former is a short term solution where you don't rely on him for anything and thus he cannot stoke your anger. The latter is what you should be striving for.
