thank you for this wonderful resource....I'm doing my best to follow Sandi's rules...one day I'm saying "I can do this" and withdrawing myself...the next day the pain is unbearable as I think about what my WW did...
1) Sandi's "rules" are merely guidelines and NOT ALL APPLY...
2) IF your w says she wants to reconcile, (which I'm not clear about), she will need to do some heavy lifting, and you will need to figure out how to go forward from here.
3) Reconciling is hard, but "piecing" together after an affair is even harder.
On one hand, you won't be able to hold it over her head forever, or throw it in her face everytime you two fight.
On the other hand, the long term deceit is something you will have to get past
AND SHE WILL NEED TO EXPLORE b/c make no mistake, this is a character flaw in her and if she does not get IC to figure this out, and change it, this is not a hopeful situation.
You'll also need IC to learn how to get past this and how to cope with the damage you feel that you cannot share with your w (not that you "should not" but b/c I imagine some of it is too personal and you might be inhibited from sharing it all or baring your soul, for awhile...)
and you can then or simultaneously get marriage counseling.
My big regret after reconciling for a decade, is that we did not piece well (my MIL got cancer right after we recon so we shelved the piecing for awhile and never got back to it - idiotic mistake on my end but I thought we were past the MLC. Thought we were alright, etc. I never insisted on H getting IC b/c I thought he'd learned his lesson.
Now I can see that he did not see it as a character flaw in himself but an emotional/financial blunder that cost HIM good r's with our kids and "some collateral damage" to them and me (meaning, it was not so much that HE had inflicted pain on us, but that we did not see him in the same admiring light).
Whatever boundaries you set up, you darn well better enforce. Issue NO ultimatums you are not willing to enforce.
Check out BluWave's thread b/c in hers, her h is willing to do the hard consistent long term work of repairing a marriage after infidelity.
And it's still really hard for her. I am not saying you are blameless in your marriage but this was not a fling of your w ("a one time mistake")
or something she did after prolonged temptation away from home and unmet needs inside the marriage; this was a pattern of hers. A series of choices...so
When a cheating spouse is vague about their past and only confesses after getting caught, it's a red flag.
Be clear on what she is saying and doing. She needs to be transparent.
Remember that whatever your flaws, she is not the hero and you're not the villain.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
